awretchlikeme

You Might Be In Art School If...

2009-11-11T18:04:00.001-07:00

Here's a collection of humorous and frustrating anecdotes from my time (as of yet unfinished) in "art school":

If you have no rational assignments, and therefore no point system, and therefore no way of knowing your grade until it's too late... you might be in art school.

If your discussions almost always end up feeling like a philosophy class instead of an art class ... you might be in art school.

If 90% of the male population of your class is bearded... you might be in art school.

If you often feel as if you are the only sane person on campus... you might be in art school.

If your Facebook statuses within a 30 minute window of the start of class always include: "Ugh. Damn. Hate." and "get me out of this class" ... you might be in art school.

If you look up from your iPod during class only to find it's nearly over ... you might be in art school.

If you look up from your iPod during class only to find it's been 5 minutes ... you might be in art school.

If most of the women look like men and most of the men look like women ... you might be in art school.

If your teacher hates any and everything you pitch to them ... you might be in art school.

If the same teacher is shown 12 minutes of black film and says, verbatim "I actually liked most of it" ... you might be in art school.

So, these are just a few rants I have based on this class I'm currently in. In fact, the very last one of those happened today. The teacher had nothing good to say about anyone else's films, then this kid showed 12 minutes of black film, which he hand processed, so there were smudgy bits and very, very, very minisucle bits of light on it, and the teacher says, "I actually liked most of it" after we had all spent 35 minutes trying to figure out why the hell he shot this, why we were watching it, what the point was, and the meaning of the word "is" (yeah, for real).

I looked over to my wife and said, "aaaaaaaaaand that's why I hate this class".

So yeah, HOORAY for art school ... *vomit*

Welcome To Nazi Germany

2009-04-19T22:34:00.000-07:00

There's a sign on the door leading to the editing room at school that says there are cameras watching the room. These cameras are there to ensure that things don't get broken or stolen, and if they do, the responsible party can be held accountable. A good idea on the school's part, I think. Until you think about the privacy issues involved with this. Some smartass wrote on the sign, "Welcome to Nazi Germany". An interesting, if not hyperbolical statement.

This got me thinking about some recent issues at Panera, where I work. Nearly everyone is friends with each other on Facebook, including the boss. She has told people she doesn't like it when people "bitch" about work on Facebook. The latest issue involved a coworker saying he was going to work to "slave for a few". The boss's response was "you can quit". This brings up, in my mind, issues of both non-work things affecting work, and censorship. She wants to control what is being said by her employees about work in a setting outside of the work place. I find this to be extremely controlling and (in this latest case) immature. If a person cannot say what they feel about work in a non-work setting for fear of being reprimanded or (in the worst case scenario) fired, there is something very wrong with that situation.

That's all I've really got about this. I wrote it up quick, but after my anger and frustration had subsided. What do you think?

More Films

2009-03-15T22:52:00.002-07:00

I just got around (finally) to putting my 8mm films up on youtube (Watch Them Here). It took me so long because when I got them transfered, they were upside down and in reverse. But iMovie 09 made it easy to fix that, so they're up now. My final project has been up for a while, but now I've got ever film I've made so far at UCB up on youtube.

Watch 'em, comment on 'em, etc

Here it is!

2009-03-05T18:05:00.003-07:00

Well, after what has seemed like forever, followed by an eternity, my Bachelor of Fine Arts application film is finished!

I shot it on February 8th, so it took me almost a month to make this roughly 2 minute film. I shot it in a Bolex 16mm camera, on Kodak 250D film. I edited it on a Steenbeck flatbed editor and spliced it together with tape splices.

The subject is my nephew, Zachary, who has cerebral palsy, in his walker. He isn't able to walk on his own yet, so this walker is what he's learning to use to get around for himself.

Watch it on YouTube

Restlessness and Insomnia Induced Rambling

2009-02-11T23:42:00.001-07:00

Well, I'm at it again. I've recently found falling asleep one of the most difficult things to do. So here I am, laying in bed, writing, instead of sleeping. My recent acquisition of internet at home now makes it possible to blog, instead of doing nothing but making pictures in the ceiling popcorn as I fight insomnia.

Something I've been thinking about more and more lately is just how excited I am to get married. July 25th seems so far off right now (162 days away, sad day). there is just so much I'm looking forward too. Living with Dani is one of the major things for me right now. It's got so many benefits: financially, we'll be, at least marginally, better off (instead of paying for two different apartments, two sets of groceries, etc...). I'm very much looking forward to being able to come home after a long day of school and/or work and have her waiting for me.

The planning is becoming increasingly stressful and strenuous, but things are coming along. One of the more exciting parts of the whole wedding thing is that I'll be able to go back to Ecuador again. I feel this pull to get out and away from everything lately. Not permanently, but I feel the need to travel. I want to get out of all the "normal", daily stuff surrounding me and just let myself go and immerse myself in a "foreign" place again.

That's pretty much all I've got for now. Since it's almost midnight and I should probably at least try to fight this sleeplessness better.

I'll leave you with this "final thought" (a la Jerry Springer) from a Starbucks cup. I found it interesting and intriguing.

"The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating – in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."- Anne Morriss

Keep on fighting the good fight ;)

Bored! But Not Totally

2009-01-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting at Panera, waiting to start working, and I'm bored. So I clicked through all my links, played all my games, read all my blogs, and found no one to talk to, so I'm writing.

I've had a thought in my head all day, "This is going to be a good semester/This is the kind of stuff I want to be learning"

We started shooting today in 16mm. Just the general "get used to the camera by shooting a 8 second clip each". Everyone had about 8 seconds so we could shoot 1 roll for the class. My prof. is really cool too. He's a younger guy, funny, and he teaches well.

Sitting in Spanish class I had a similar thought. "I'm finally starting to like Spanish class". Which is a good thing. Even still, it feels like no matter what, I'll never have a full or good enough grasp on it, because if I have a teacher who's from Mexico, I'm learning Mexican Spanish; a teacher from Bolivia (currently), Bolivian Spanish. The base language is the same, but so much of it is slang, that no matter what I learn, someone has something to say about the vocabulary or phrases I use. Stupid...

I've got 2 assignments for my 16mm Film class coming up, and they're both exciting. The first: shoot 2 practice rolls, getting used to the camera: it's quirks, settings, and it's abilities. Dani and I will be doing this over the weekend. (It's a partnered project, in an effort to defray the massive cost of film and developing)

The second is all about composition. We have to take a bunch of still photographs (and turn in 15) with composition of shot in mind. I'm excited for this for 2 reasons. 1- Composition is something I feel like I have a lot to learn about an a huge area I would like to improve. 2 - It means I get to use the new digital camera (that is a replacement for the one that was destroyed in the plane crash), which is always fun.

Final Thoughts:
I wish I had a job in the field. Getting to play with all these toys makes me want to do more with them. I wish something would come around and jump at me, instead of me having to wade through all the muck and mire of job searching and the application process. That's always been one thing that keeps me from moving around (job-wise) too much: the whole pre-employment process.

Final, Final Thought:
I also wish that an enormous sum of money would fall (tax free) into my lap. I wish I could just go to school without having to worry about paying rent and bills, as well as juggling time between school and work. But I'm sure that's a common thought. Who wouldn't want a large sum of money to fall from the sky for them?

FINALLY!

2009-01-16T23:10:00.001-07:00

Hooray!

I finally got my remote blogging editor ( Ecto ) working, which means it'll be easier for my lazy ass to post more blogs. That is if anyone still reads this thing ;).

So, there's been a ton of shite going on in my life, starting with Dani ending up here with me for Christmas instead of home with her family. (This was due to the crash of Continental Flight 1404, but I want to write up a full thing to give this a more detailed blog later) I've been working A LOT, which has turned out ok, but I've been worrying about getting enough hours now; life's a two-headed coin, isn't it?

School has started up again, and this semester is shaping up to be a doozy. Not so much in terms of academic challenge, but in terms of time consumption and monetary spending. My 16mm film class is going to be EXPENSIVE!

Other than that, things are pretty much business as usual, aside from planning a wedding, or two ;). More on this later as well.

I'm looking forward to blogging more, so keep reading (whoever you are) and I'll try to keep writing.

Welcome To Denver

2008-08-12T06:16:00.003-07:00

Home of the Rockies, and police brutality.

Full Story Here

Cliff Notes Version:
Man runs red light on bike. Undercover, plain-clothes officer yells "You ran a red light!" Man knocks hat off undercover, plain-clothes officer's head. Officer and partner proceed to beat biker, and when biker is on his stomach, being handcuffed, officer then slams biker's face onto sidewalk, breaking biker's teeth.

I've always had a feeling that the majority of Colorado police officers are, to put it bluntly, dicks. I've never had a pleasant encounter with a police officer. Its always felt like they a)have nothing better to do; b)have something to prove; c)want to feel like they are "hardcore" or "hard-assed" or like they are dealing with some super serious crime or something like that.

Get off your high horse. I know your job can be dangerous, and I appreciate the fact that you are out there, for the most part, to keep me safe. You are not judge and jury. You don't get to dole out punishment. That's not your job.

Stop being a dick.

then i got bitten by a stingray

2008-02-18T09:34:00.003-07:00

i smelled my hand just now, and it smelled like fish, which brought about this random little blurb today:

yesterday i went to the denver aquarium with dani, her dad and brother. dani decided she wanted to feed these stingrays you could touch in a pool at the end. so you get a little dead fish, put it between your knuckles, and let the stingray take it. turns out they've got teeth. and so yesterday, i got bit by a stingray. i've even got a little scab on my knuckle.

how many other people can say they've been bitten by a stingray?

You won't grow weary

2008-01-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Today in church, we were singing "Everlasting God", and one of the stanza's just hit me.

"You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You will not faint
You won't grow weary"

The last line of that made me think. No matter what, God is patient with us. He gives us unlimited "second" tries. Romans 2:4 says, "Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God's kindness leads you toward repentance?" It's obvious that patience is a part of God's character.

Then I started to think about my own patience. I seem to loose my temper pretty quickly. I'm quick to get angry, to shout and curse. I let the smallest things get under my skin, irritate me, cause me to loose my temper and become upset.

I don't want to be short tempered, I don't want to be quick to anger, I don't want to be annoyed easily, to be upset at the small things. After all, "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control." (Galatians 5:22-23)

oh my honor...

2008-01-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

well, before i actually start, i'd just like to note that this is my 2nd blog in 2 days, so yay for me. :D and f.y.i. - if anyone knows of anyone hiring people, i'm in desperate need of a job, so let me know!

anyway... here we go...

this random train of thought stemmed from two things. the first was a job application i filled out for Costco. it's one of those weird ones with the personality/work ethic type quizzes at the end of it. one of the questions was "If you found a $50 bill in the parking lot as you were leaving would you..." with responses like "keep it" "turn it in to your manager" "turn it in to lost and found" etc... so keep that in mind, i'll come back to it.

the second item was a plaque that hangs in even classroom on the CU campus. It contains the Honor Code, which states, "On my honor, and a University of Colorado at Boulder student, I have neither given, nor received unauthorized assistance" (I didn't even have to look that up :D ).

I was kinda staring blankly at the plaque, waiting for class to start, when randomly I thought of that question from the application. And I thought to myself, "I'd probably just pocket it. That'd be awesome if I found $50." But then I started to think, what if I had lost that $50, I'd be screwed! $50 is kinda a big deal when you don't make a lot of money. In that case, I'd hope someone would turn it in.

Still following me? It's about to jump around a bit. This is how my head works. Then I started to think about the honor code and I thought, "Man, they should have you swear on something more than your honor, no one has any these days." Which is so true. Honor, in this sense, basically means doing the right thing, no matter how small the consequences for the wrong thing are. Even if there are no consequences, even if no one would ever know that you pocketed that $50 bill, even if no one ever caught you cheating on a quiz, even if you would get a way totally clean, you would do the right thing because it's right.

I wish I was like that. I wish that I wasn't the kind of person who would pocket $50 from a parking lot. I wish I had the kind of honor that people admire and appreciate. Maybe I should work on that...

Back to the grind, sort of

2008-01-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's back to the grind for gary. school started today. so far i've only had 1 class (philosophy and society, basically an ethics class), and I'm already over school. that's bad. but this semester, i've really got to push my way thru and get some good grades. i failed a class last semester (i've never failed a class before) and it's kinda freaking me out.

i always rationalize my C's by saying, "What the heck was CU thinking when they put Arts and Sciences together? I'm under the College of Arts and Sciences, so, even though I'm going to be a film major (I still need to change my major to that) I have to take 13 stinking credits of science classes. CU should know, Arts kids HATE science, and vice versa. I don't know what they were thinking.

But anyway, I really need to pull my grades up this semester, I've been slacking. I'm in college now. I need to get my crap together and actually read the material and study for the tests.

And now, on top of everything, I've got to find another new job. It seems like every semester I have to find a new job. So on top of being back in school, I have to get trained and used to a new job and schedule. It sucks.

And so now, I'm sitting in the UMC, bored already, and I started reading people's blogs. I've made an interesting discovery. People's blogs (the ones that I read anyway) make people communicate more introspectively. It seems like they're writing to themselves, flow-of-consciousness style, in a way that you wouldn't hear them talk out loud. It's kind of interesting.

Maybe I'll make it my (second) new years resolution to blog more. Maybe then I'll know a little more about what goes on inside my own head. I've always felt like I never know what's going on in my own heart and head. It's like my consciousness is too far separated from them, and it becomes very difficult to communicate to other people, or myself, what I'm feeling or thinking about.

I feel like a vegetable.

someone explain to me...

2007-10-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

this is rather random, but i've kinda been mulling over this for a while...

i've never heard a solid explanation for all the persecution of communists (and the social stigma that's been attached to communism since) during the cold war. in all honesty, i sit there (on the bus, in the car, staring blankly at the computer at work) thinking, "what was that all about?". it seems to me like a group of people and a group of countries held a political/governmental ideal for themselves, and they were crushed for it. i understand that communism, at least the examples the world has seen, hasn't worked out all that great, and it is prone to corruption, but isn't democracy just as corrupt? instead of bribes, we call it lobbying. same thing.

So why have communists been persecuted, subjected to wars (not "liberations" mind you), ridiculed, become the but of so many jokes, and demonized? think about this. Jesus was a communist. the disciples were communists. they all lived in a community where they had nothing of their own and shared everything with everyone around them. i understand that cold war communism isn't exactly that, but it's the main ideal isn't it?

i guess it's just a random tangent that i've had in my head for a while. i want to know what you think. leave a comment

somewhat, but not entirely, like a blob

2007-10-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

lately, i've been feeling really, really unproductive... it pretty much sucks. i have no classes i like, i got booted out of the one that would have saved my semester (a film class i was on the waitlist for, but didn't get in), and my job is boring (but bearable because of the pay and the long periods of time i'm usually able to be online), and i don't feel like i'm going anywhere.

i need to move on to the next phase of my life. I don't really know what that's going to look like; moving out, getting a job in my career field, something big like that. I do feel like i'm on the verge of something big like that though. I have been looking at apartments with a buddy of mine who wants/needs to move out of his parents house too. i just kinda feel like i'm stuck and i need to grow up some. i get little hints of things to come every once in a while, and i really like it.

let me just give you an example of the extent of my un-productive situation. i've started to compile an excell spreadsheet of all the movies i've ever seen. complete with titles, directors, writers, and release dates. that's right. so instead of listening to my philosophy, weather, or math lectures, i'm perusing IMDB looking for movies i've seen and copying the data in to excell. So far, i'm at around 250... and i've only just scratched the surface...

so, to sum up, i'm bored at life

the human virus

2007-09-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

There is a quote from The Matrix that goes:
"Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet."

Up until very recently, I've always kind of winced at this idea, and dismissed it as stupid. But lately, slowly but surely, I've come to see the viral nature of the human race.

I drive to school, well, sort of. I drive to a bus stop halfway between home and school. The route I take goes through pretty much empty land/open space. I drive past the old Rocky Flats site, which has been completely torn down, leaving only a mis-matched coloring in the grass where the asphalt used to be.

South Highway 76 on Indiana (east of Indiana, 76 is actually 86th which turns in to 88th), suburbia abounds. Homes with no yards, strip malls, asphalt and car exhaust fill this areas, south of 76. Once I passed Highway 76, there were open fields, sparsely spotted by a hand full of homes, each singly built, with a solitary, secluded feel to them. The entire drive after that point was a rolling sea of grassy hills with an awe inspiring view of the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.

Yet, now, when I pass Highway 76 on Indiana, there is a battalion of enormous trucks spewing clouds of black exhaust. These trucks crawl across these hills like a plague, chewing up the earth, flattening hills, and making it all "convenient" for the prospective new home buyer.

It disgusts me. I can truly see the viral nature of humans and our consumerism in these trucks massacring open, and beautifully empty, space.

We are the plague. What is the cure? How much will the cure cost us? Will we have to throw off our consumer mindset and begin to actually take notice of our surroundings? Heaven Forbid!

Same Ol' Story

2007-07-21T01:29:00.000-07:00

Once again, I find myself devoid of anything to write on my blog... And yet again, it's been since April since my last post. But whatever, it's my blog (and I'm not paying $60 a year for it! haha)

Life is... life. Whatelse is there. It keeps on going, no matter what you want. It keeps on flowing and changing, without regard for your wishes.

My life has been pretty boring, in my own eyes. I guess it probably isn't as boring as I think it is. I went to Ecuador for 3 weeks in June, I've been painting the outside of my house for 2 and a half weeks, I'm without a job, and I'm leaving for a family reunion, and I'm starting school soonish.

Life is going. Not pretty good, not pretty bad, not great, not terrible, not good, not bad, it's just going.

Welcome

2007-04-26T09:09:00.001-07:00

So, you've found my new blog. Good job, here's a cookie.

In the process of moving my old posts to Blogger, I realized that I used to blog a lot more than I have in the recent past. That kind makes me sad. I just think that I've been very non-analytical lately. My brain just goes blank, and I don't think very much... It pretty much sucks.

That's pretty much all I got...

There comes a time in every man's life...

2007-04-03T12:02:00.000-07:00

...to not use cliches.

But for real, this is a time of change in my life. I have so much I want (and need) to change about who I am and how I live my life. I'm sick and tired of some of the things I do and some of the ways I am. I've finally seen these things for what they are and i've recognized them, which is my first step in changing them.

I know that's pretty vague and uninformative, but that's all you get for now.

When Darkness Turns To Light, It Ends Tonight

2007-02-19T12:02:00.000-07:00

The title doesn't really have any bearing on anything, the song has just been stuck in my head all morning. Don't read in to it. ;)

I know it's been a long time since I've updated my blog, but I've been pretty busy and, in my own opinion, pretty boring. I'm starting to feel over -whelmed -worked -schooled, overly busy, overly tired, overly everything. The way my schedule is this semester, I go straight from school to work 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't sound like a lot, but combined with homework, stuff with High Point (High Impact on Sundays, Small Group on Thursday, High Point on Wednesday), and trying to have a life, it's a lot. And on the occasion I do have a Thursday off of work, I never feel like I get any rest.

I got approval to get a sleep study to find out if I can get a CPAP machine to sleep with so when I sleep, I am actually sleeping instead of waking up gasping because I don't breathe in the night. I am hoping that will help curb this insane amount of exhaustion I have been living with. I don't know how I've done it, but running on empty for so long has got me ready to give up. I just wish I had a week to sleep, be lazy all day, and just rest.

My birthday is tomorrow, which is pretty cool. I won't be a teenager any more. Although, I haven't felt like one for a while. It may have been because of my schedule as of late, or because I left home post-high school, but I feel mature and independent, even if I'm not completely. Talking with a friend the other day, I expressed some of this, adding, "I know when to be mature, but that doesn't mean I don't act immature when I want to." I also told someone at work the other day, "I was more mature than [that high school girl] when I was her age, and I'm a guy!" I think I'm starting to lose patience with ... most things and people. Why do I have to go thru so much more school? Why do I have to work at Panera and not do what I want? Why do I have so much stuff I "have" to do? Why does the world revolve around money? Why are apartments so expensive?

I think it's coming time for me to move out. I don't know why, I don't have any real problems at home. We have little arguments but nothing very serious. I just think it's time for me to be independent. At CBC I felt more independent, even though we had cooks, deans (babysitters), and a laundry list of rules and curfews. I just think it's time to move on. But, earning what I'm earning at Panera, and working as much as I am (which leaves little room for more shifts), I don't see how it is possible to pay for a rent of ... any amount. As it is, I make barely enough to pay my car insurance and my cell phone bill.

I'm just getting restless I guess. Waiting for the next big thing. I hate waiting. Except the movie Waiting, that's awesome

RAA (Retreat Addicts Anonymous)

2007-01-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well, since coming back from Powderburn this past weekend, and I actually realized this some time during, I noticed that spiritually, I am a "Retreat Addict." Meaning I am addicted to, and I could almost say dependent (spiritually) upon church retreats. Allow me to explain:

Pre-CBC (a.k.a. High School/High Point era) - I felt pretty content with my relationship with God during this time. I attended 99.9% of all HPSM activities (just ask Ev... she told me she had a nightmare about me not being at high point one time). I could very much see myself on the roller coaster of (Post) Retreat highs and mundane life lows. I was up and down a lot, but over all, I saw and felt an increase in my spirituality and my relationship with God.

CBC - I was under the foolish assumption that going to CBC would strengthen my relationship with God, hands down, no questions asked. I am still unsure why, but my spirituality, and my feeling connected to God almost completely vanished during CBC. Which seems totally counterintuitive, but it's the truth. I sometimes think it was the group of people in my CBC class, I sometimes think it was the faculty, and I sometimes think it was the classes, but I can never pinpoint one aspect of CBC that began to pull me away.

Post-CBC (up until Powderburn) - This was probably the darkest era in my spirituality thus far. I was so far from God, and even though I didn't like being as such, I did very little to reconcile the situation. I was super lazy and didn't invest any time into my relationship with God.

(Post) PB07 - I'm back on the up and up. I most definitely felt God at Powderburn. I clearly heard Him telling me, "I'm here. I've always been here. I never left you. I'm real. I'm here." Which rocked my world. Since PB, I've been making time in my oh so busy schedule (sarcasm...) to read my Bible and pray, and I am feeling good about the progress I am making in repairing my relationship with God.

Hello my name is Gary. I'm an addict....

Finally!

2006-12-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, Daniela got here on Wednesday. I picked her up at the airport, and she's staying at my house until her parents get here and they go to a cabin they rented in Boulder for Christmas.

Let me just say, it's about damn time! It's been so great to have her back with me. I am really excited to see where our lives take us from here. She/we have a lot of work to do before her parents leave at the beginning of January, we have to get her a place to live, a car, a bank account, a drivers license, car/health insurance, a job, furniture, etc... It's going to be a crazy, hectic month, but it'll all be worth it. She's already got some stuff laid out and ready, which should help to speed some stuff up.

I don't really know what the purpose of this was, but to say that I'm really happy she's here, and I feel like I can finally start living again...

Bored

2006-11-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated this ol' bloggie in a while, but that's because I'm bored. Dani gets here on the 6th of December. I can't wait, and I'm too bored without her to do anything else. How lame am I?

The End

Update

2006-11-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, I just updated my DeviantArt Account with a ton of new pictures from Ecuador. Serious, like 50 or more. It's awesome. Let me know what you think! http://gkainz.deviantart.com/gallery

Much Love
Gary

This Ain't My First Rode-o!

2006-11-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

Last night, my love for the Cha Cha Cha Riot! (The Chariot) was renewed. Such a good show. My ears are still ringing and my neck and back are still stiff. Man I needed that. As much as I love the Chariot, it's quite hard to trash or slam dance to them, because they're so chaotic, which is why I was glad that August Burns Red was there; they're always good for a trash pit.

Favorite moments/lyric lines of the night:

THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO!!!
JESUS LOVES YOU! And so do ... I!!

A Little Bit O' Prayer Please

2006-11-02T11:59:00.000-07:00

So, we found out yesterday that my Mom has a brain tumor. It's relatively small and is situated on or near the auditory nerve in her brain; hence the hearing loss she's had for a while. It's not malignant (cancerous) which is a good thing, and we'll find out today when/how they'll remove it. Apparently they have a new procedure where they shoot gamma rays at it to kill it, and they don't have to chop out a chunk of skull, which is pretty sweet.

So, if any/all of you could keep us in your prayers, that would be wonderful. Thanks!

Good News

2006-10-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

Guess what? I'm now on song 742 of 8102, and I'm into the letter B!

No Shave November

2006-10-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

That's right. Don't shave your face in the month of November. That's all you have to do...

Rules:
1)No Shave November applies to faces, and faces only. Sorry ladies, them's the rules.

2)If you must shave (for example, I have to shave for work), you are only allowed to shave the following: neck-beard and/or mustache. Thats it!

That's it. Them's the rules and they ain't a'changin', not no way, not no how.

Music

2006-10-18T11:58:00.001-07:00

So, thanks a lot to Alicia and/or Tate (I don't know who started it...) I'm listening to all my music alphabetically by song title. I started on Monday, and listening in the car and at school. So, thats a pretty good chunk of time... you'd think. But in all reality, I've hardly begun at all. I am currently on song # 275 of 8102... I'm still on the letter A, but not even to words starting with A, for example "A Message" by Coldplay. This is frustrating... I guess I'll just have to learn to appreciate the music I have (since I'm too poor to buy new music)

P.S.

2006-10-18T11:58:00.000-07:00

I must amend my previous statement that cold weather makes people move faster.

It is only when a) it is colder than people expect or b) people are not ready for the cold; that people move faster. When everyone is ready and bundled up for the cold, they move just as slow as during warmer times...

Lame

Movin' On Up, To...

2006-10-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

Chris' House, to become his mom's slave!

First of all, its snowing, and that makes me very, very happy!

Secondly, Chris' mom is "sponsoring" me this snow season. That means she's gonna freakin buy me a buddy pass... HOW AWESOME IS THAT? When he told me that, I just wanted to run out of class and go jump around. So amazing.

If Only My Discontent Were In Its Winter

2006-10-13T11:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. Something isn't right. Something isn't lined up. I don't know what it is, I can't fix it.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS

The Weepies!

2006-10-11T11:57:00.000-07:00

I got this song a while ago with a large sampler of songs and I didn't really listen to it. So when I heard it today, it struck me because it was new and because it fit my mood exactly. The Weepies are one of my new favorite bands ever! Their CD will definetly be one of my first purchases, once I get a paycheck... $28 bucks won't exactly stretch till then if I'm buying music will it? haha!

---

The Weepies - "Gotta Have You"

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no wine
No, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

---

Incredible how perfectly songs can capture all the words I can't seem to get out myself...

From Unemployment to Most Desired In A Matter Of Minutes

2006-10-09T11:56:00.002-07:00

So, today I went to apply at Panera Bread in Louisville/Superior because I heard they were hiring from Alicia. So I go in just to get an application, planing on dropping it off tomorrow when I go to the bus stop (it's in the same parking lot as the park-n-ride).
So I go and ask for an app and the girl behind the counter hands it to me and says "If you fill it out here and talk to a manager, she'll hire you on the spot." So what do I do? Fill it out of course! So I fill it out, having to call home to get some phone numbers because I wasn't prepared to fill it out and I go hand it in.
The manager comes out and asks me a few questions like "Are you in school? Where do you go? Etc..." then says, "You want a job?" to which I say "No thanks" ... JUST KIDDING! I say "Heck yes I do!" (I think I actually said "heck yes" but I don't remember). So we talked for a few minutes (under 5) about schedule, what the job is, how desperate they are for people, how they really want me because I'm over 18, they need people for nights (which is about all I can work), and she liked college students and just "liked me" and thought I would do good at Panera, etc... and I start orientation on Thursday! So that's wicked sweet.

Moo: Or, Following The Herd On A Cold Day

2006-10-09T11:56:00.001-07:00

My first and second classes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday are about as close as East is to West. Ok, maybe not, but it's pretty far away. I have 10 minutes between classes, and I rarely make it on time. CU Students, I have to go from the Econ building (on Broadway) to Duane... yeah. But today, a particularly chilly day (39 degrees according to my weather widget), I found myself in my desk even before the teacher.

This lead me to the following hypothesis... People move faster on a cold day. Usually, I'm bobbing and weaving between slowly "mograting" students (mosey + migrate = mograte, thank you Kevin Q) and dodging bike riders. Yet today, I found myself zigging and zagging between fewer students. They were all speed walking (relatively) at a good clip.

In conclusion.. if you're slow, get out of my way.

its wheatgrass!

2006-10-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

I think...

New look.

That's all.

Yessir!

2006-10-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back... now.

Can I have everyone's attention?! I have an important, wonderful piece of news: Daniela is moving here on the 6th of December! How awesome is that! Stinkin amazing! So, if anyone is looking for a roommate, or knows anyone looking for a roommate or renter, let me know, and I'll pass it on. Also, any job openings or places hiring would be sweet (Because I'm looking for now and she'll be looking when she gets here)

Right now the plan is for her to get a place, a car, a job, and start taking online classes at Front Range. Once she gets Colorado residency (which takes a year), she'll transfer up to CU Boulder with me. Awesome sauce

Dear Diary...

2006-10-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

Today I saw a fledgling She-Mullet in it's natural habitat, the bus stop.

I hope I can observe it more to understand it's behaviors

Busy

2006-09-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

Daniela is here for a week or so, so don't expect much on awretchlikeme.

News, Thoughts, and Driving

2006-09-14T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, the time has come for me to write something again. I've found some free time whilst waiting for my Sociology class (I have a 2 hour gap between my 2 classes today). After reading the Westword, puttering on MySpace and Facebook for far too long, I didn't come to any great realization other than, just write. So I shall.

I've had a couple of really great thoughts over the past while that I really want to get down on paper and/or post, but I've never "found the time" to do it. One I actually did write down (because I didn't have dear ol' Lucy (that's my computer by the way) with me to post). In summary, there were 2 people on campus, on my first day, who were holding huge doomsday, you're going to hell if you don't love jesus kinda signs. I watched them interact with people for a while and then get into an argument with a christian girl who told them that she thought they were going about this all wrong. I fully agreed with her, but didn't have the time, or courage really, to speak up with her. I'll try and post the whole thing I wrote soon.

Another thing I've been toying with and developing extensively in my head is this thing about interacting with God:
A while back I was just driving, I don't remember where but, how often, when really driving, is the destination the end and not the means? It's usually an excuse for me to just drive. I enjoy driving. It's a time of solitude and thought (not so much reflection, because I'm not all that introspective), and not to mention good music. So, here I was, driving somewhere for some reason, with the windows rolled down. And what child (at heart) doesn't stick their hand out the window and play with the wind when it rushes past? Felling the wind rush through my fingers and being able to fell the pressure of something I couldn't see was a wonderful wake up call. When I slowed down for the approaching red light, the pressure decreased until I could no longer feel the wind. And for some reason, it all just clicked in my head.
Picture (for the sake of analogy) God as the wind, or more accurately, the air. We can't see the air, but we know, without a doubt, that it is present; without the air, we would die. Now when I was driving along at 50 mph, and I stuck my hand out the window, I felt the air. I felt what I could not see. I felt it rush past my hand or, more accurately, I felt my hand move through the air, which pushed against my hand. The slower we move, the less we feel. How often have you felt God when you're doing nothing? I don't mean sitting in solitude, I mean doing nothing. Not pursuing God, not praying, not reading Scripture, not thinking and talking and debating about God and with God. It's not very often that we feel God when we do nothing.
But when we run at full speed towards Him, how much more can we feel the air all around our bodies? We feel it on our face, we and feel it rustle our clothes, and blow our hair. Feeling God requires action on our part. Feeling and knowing our Savior requires a desire to do so, and actions leading towards it. Being an Armchair Christian doesn't cut it for me. I want to feel God. I want to know Him. I want to learn from Him. I want to be close to the Savior of my life.
And therein lies the "hard part." "What do you mean I have to do something? God is everywhere and all-powerful, why doesn't He just do all the work?" Because this thing we've got with God, it's a relationship. Pure and (not so) simple. Does your best friend come over to your house, sit by you on your couch, and talk at you, while you watch tv? Does your girlfriend carry the conversation, while you are asleep? Why would God do all the work? That's not to say you have to do all the work. God wants to be with you. He wants you to let Him love you. God wants to shower you with love and all you have to do is let him. Put some effort into your relationship with your Creator. Run towards your God at full speed and feel Him on your face, feel him blow your hair.

En Memoriam

2006-09-11T11:54:00.001-07:00

Poor is the nation who has no heroes. Shameful is the nation who, having them, forgets.

Everyone needs go to http://www.myspace.com/thefrayforum and listen to their 9/11 tribute song.
Gave me the chills...

We Remember...

Worry Not

2006-09-11T11:54:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a VERY long time since I've written, but fear not, I am just constantly busy. Reading for school has me tied up for most of my time. I'll try to write more often...

Knowing God is a two way street.

2006-07-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

Well, first I'll refer you to my previous post (I went to Tennessee and all I got was FOUND) before you read this one (just incase you don't follow chronologically).

Now, on to the real stuff...

So, since being FOUND at CHIC, things have most definitely gone from "mountain/retreat high" to "mundane low". That night at CHIC when I was crying out desperately to God, I remember saying "I'm done with doing nothing. I just want to feel you again and I'll do anything to be able to." Well, surprise, surprise, my lazy ass hasn't done a thing since CHIC. And, wouldn't you know it, my re-lit fire, and my patching up with God has all but died and failed. And I know exactly why. It's because I haven't done a single thing I told Him I would do. I haven't searched for Him, I haven't reached out to Him, I haven't prayed, read, dug deeper, or even really wanted to. Now our relationship is suffering as a result.

Which brings up an interesting point. Our relationship with God is just that. A relationship. Think about the first one that comes to mind. A spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, sibling. Any of those work. Imagine this: your best friend (just for the sake of example) and you are closer than siblings. You are together all the time, you know everything about each other, you are essentially the same person, you are around each other so much. But then things start to change. You befriend another person, and begin to, not so much pull away, but become more and more busy your new friend. You call your best friend less, you hang out less, and eventually, you hardly even know each other. That relationship has become less a relationship and more an acquaintance. You look back years later and think, "Damn, remember when we were friends?". Then you realize it. You stopped making an effort. You stopped caring as much and, eventually, at all. Your ex-best friend stopped making an effort when they saw that you were no longer in the relationship.

All that to say, that's how God and I are. I stopped calling. And I know He never stopped putting effort into our relationship, but I stopped seeing that effort, feeling that effort. Now I'm the one looking back going, "Damn, remember when God and I were friends?"

So, where do I go from here? Unfortunately I know exactly where I go from here. (I say unfortunately because I should have done it a long time ago.) I start putting effort back in to it. I know what I've got to do, and now I've just got to get off my lazy ass and do it... which, in the end, is all anyone has to do.

GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

I went to tennessee and all I got was FOUND

2006-07-21T11:53:00.000-07:00

well, if you know me or if you read this, you know i've been in a huge spiritual funk for a long time. i've been in this funk since before i left for cbc. it made my year at cbc really hard and pretty crappy and i became pretty mad because i was in it, and mad at god for leaving me in it. i felt like he was ignoring me, and that i was doing everything i could to get out of it. it was a terrible place where i couldn't feel god or hear him or anything.

i went to CHIC hoping that something would happen. that anything would happen and that god would reach out and touch me. that is exactly what he did.

wednesday night was just an amazing time of worship at the 'main stage' we had every night. the worship was wonderful and the speaker was great. she said something that will come in to play in this story. she was talking about the last supper and how John laid his head on Jesus' chest. She said that she imagined them having fun and messing around, and said "i can just imagine Jesus tousling John's hair" (b/c John was the youngest, etc...). I can't even pinpoint what it was exactly, (the worship, the surroundings, the communion, or something else), but i just felt like i had to scream out to god in one last ditch cry. so i am sitting down, praying, crying out to him, asking him why i was alone and why he had left me, and why he was so far from me. it was right then that you friend Joe (who was standing and singing) tousled my hair. It was that moment that I had felt god for the first time in at least 9 months (probably more). It sent a shudder through my body and i just felt god. he spoke to me (i'm still trying to decipher what he really said to me) and i was left in awe.

so, in rachel cavanaugh fashion... "guess what?"

"God's real!"

And that's how I was found by God in an arena in Tennessee.

As for the rest of CHIC, I had a blast. The team I worked with was awesome, hilarious, fun, and generally good to work with. If you wanna know more, lemme know

On Being (And/Or Going) Insane

2006-07-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

So, good news, i'm going insane. Like for real insane. ("good news" was sarcastic).

I don't know what's goin on in me, around me, above me...

The other night (in what was the peak of my insanity, or, well, the tipping point) I got myself out of bed, drove to lookout mountain at 1am, smoked a cigar, then drove all over arvada (my old houses, my elementary, junior, and high schools), and ended up back home. And the whole time I was hoping to be able to think and figure some stuff out, but, to no avail. I just drove around in the middle of the night for no reason.

Maybe it's insanity, maybe it's insomnia, but either way, my life is screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it...

the theme song for my life

2006-07-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

(I'll have it made, I'll have it made
You know we're really gonna
Really gonna have it made
Gonna have it made)

---

honestly, this song is exactly how i'm feeling right now... blah.

I'm just so out of it (it as in everything) lately. I think it's been that way since I've been home, but now it's more prevalent. I don't understand why I (want to) sleep all day, and all I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I finally got a job at Conoco (a gas station). And I thought it was all good, but I was sitting in the back room the other day, putting hotdog buns into bags to put out on the grill and I thought, "what the hell am I doing!?!?!? I'm working at a gas station! I honestly never thought I would be working at a gas station. There's nothing wrong with it for some people, but I just feel like I've been downgraded (job-wise). I hate it, to be honest. But, I needed a job and an income, and this is it for now. I guess I'll keep an eye out for something that would be more fun, fulfilling, or even worth while.

I just don't get anything right now. I don't feel like doing anything, I have no passion for anything (even this video game that I was obsessed w/ is just like "meh" now. Lame example, I know, but suck it). I just feel like I'm slowly but surely dying. I kinda feel like getting smashed, high, or something to like, wake up... (don't worry, I won't)

What the hell is going on with me and in me and around me and above me and through out my sick sad little world?

Nachooooooo!

2006-06-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from seeing Nacho Libre, and I think I've got a new favorite movie! (Maybe not of all time, but it's definitely making the list!)

Jack Black is awesome. He is the funniest guero I've ever seen on film (the first? I don't know). His quick jibs as well as his over-extended jokes make him a master of comedy. It could also be the accent... The man can make you laugh just by moving his eyebrows at the right moment. I'm serious.

Everyone has to go see this movie.

NACHO...!!!

out-a-place

2006-06-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

i don't know what it was, but today while i was sitting in church, i just kinda felt out of place. i just sat there thinking, "all these kids are so much younger than me" and "everyone my age here is a leader..." and even though i was sitting with my guys, i was feeling out of place. i guess this is probably something all college kids go thru, and i'm just feeling it late because i was gone for so long.

i'm going to scum of the earth tonight with david and danny, and even though i don't think i'll be making that drive every week, i might start looking around at churches. i'll probably try grace, where renee and nathan go and jason and eric are doing worship. some of the girls talked about checking out churches too, so i might tag along to tnl and wherever else they go. i've only been to satellite once, so i'll go there a few times and feel it out too...

i think a part of my feeling out of place could be my terrible relationship with God. basically, my relationship with him is virtually non-existant. i don't read my bible, i don't pray, i don't want to pray, and i just don't feel him like i have in the past. i'm to the point where, if i hadn't known and felt God so closely in my past, i would probably be turning from him. but i can't do that, knowing and feeling what i've known and felt.

i've gotta find something...

gah!

2006-06-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

i need a job. any help would be appreciated

x-men 3: the last stand

2006-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I saw x-men 3: the last stand tonight. yes, i did.

it was pretty good. i enjoyed it thoroughly. the one thing it was lacking was the interaction/action/display of power/general goodness of Phoenix. i was pretty disappointed by her lack of action, and what little action she did have, in her lack of power usage. sure, she telekenisis'ed the hell out of a bunch of rocks, alcatraz, and made people disintigrate, but i was looking for her to bust out into her pyrokinetic phoenix "form" (a la the cartoon) and fly around, burning things (and maybe to hear the classic phoenix screech in the background). she seemd too timid when she wasn't pissed, and too dulled down (from my memory of her) when she was pissed (which equals action).

also, archangel played a much more minor role than i would have liked to see. sad day, but you can't get it all.

over all, it was a great movie, and a good conclusion(?) to the trilogy (so far?) of x-men movies.

must see!

confirmation

2006-05-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

i've been hammering out stuff for school in the fall, and i finally decided on university of colorado at boulder (CU). i'm pretty excited. i'll be going as a pre-journalism/mass communication major and i'll be focusing on either media studies or broadcast production. that may all change once i talk to an adviser about classes.

GO BUFFS!

bored and boring

2006-05-21T11:51:00.000-07:00

holy crap, i'm so bored. but, like one of my cbc classmates says, "only boring people are ever bored" so i guess i'm pretty damn boring.

I still don't have a job (yet) so it looks like i've had 2 weeks off instead of just 1.

um... yea, i told ya... bored and boring

it's been a while... since i could say that i've updated my blog

2006-05-19T11:51:00.000-07:00

i know, i know, i've been really bad at updating my blog since i've been home, but suck on a lemon!, because it's my blog.

lemme see... anything new? i've been working on the yard, i got to drive and play with a tractor today! that was cool.

there really isn't anything new. i called high noon today about getting a job again, and i'm waiting for a call.

tonight i'm hangin with the goose and i get to smoke my pipe! wicked awesome...

i guess i am just too boring now that everything is "normal" again...

it's strange...

2006-05-08T11:50:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling kinda torn between being happy about being back and missing where I came from.

Random side note: Any CBCer out there, I started the message board back up, if you didn't get the email, email me for the address.

I'm just hangin' out for this week. Just tryin to recoup from being away for so long and the travel...

chickens?

2006-05-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

i'm finally home, and i'm feeling like a chicken with it's head cut off... more to come

How long, how long?

2006-05-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

Wow.. when was my last entry? The 11th? Geez, I'm lame.

Well, since Daniela got here on the 6th I've been either busy running all over the place to get her ready to live here on her own or I've been stuck in the house catching cabin fever because 2 feet of snow got dumped on us, effectively cutting off any chance to do anything at all.

So Dani is going to be living in my sister & brother-in-law's basement, which is pretty cool because it's a totally finished basement, with a bathroom, and they're renting it to her pretty cheap, in comparison to an apartment... So we've been running around like made getting her furniture, a bed, decorations, etc... plus we've been running like mad to get her a driver's license, her US resident papers, a car, car insurance, and everything else you could imagine a person who just moved here would need. But in the end, as of today, she's gotten her license (well, she passed the tests and is waiting for the license to come in the mail), gotten a car (2001 Suzuki Grand Vitara), car insurance, her US resident papers and card, furniture, a bed, and a lot of little stuff too. So she's nearly 100% set up, and I'm exhausted from running around with her. But it was fun for the most part.

As for me, well, I'm just kinda blah. I'm super happy and excited for Dani to be here and start living here, close to me, but at the same time, I'm just kinda blah with everything else in my life. Last semester at CU put me in a sour disposition because of the gen. ed. classes I had to and still have to take, and I really didn't like the journalism class too much. I feel like having to go through all the journalism stuff just to get to the broadcast production piece isn't worth it. But I am taking a film class next semester which I'm excited for, and I think after I take that, I'll be able to decide if I want to be a Journalism major for the Broadcast Production or if I want to be a Film major. Who knows, it's all still up in the air.

The rest of my life is just blah. Boring, plain, blah, unsatisfying, unadventurous, boring, boring, boring. My spiritual life is dead. Sad to say, but true. I have no spiritual feeling at all. I feel dead to the spiritual. But, this is nothing new. I've been like this, without any feeling whatsoever, since CBC. I don't know when at CBC, but sometime during the year I just started fading out of my relationship with God. I don't pray, I don't read the bible, I don't get anything out of going to church, and I feel no connection to God. And yet I hesitate to do anything different because of the connection and realness of God I have experienced before. I have experienced God in the past, I've heard his voice and I've felt his comfort and I've known him (or at least thought I have), and now I feel spiritually dead.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where to turn anymore, I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what I am doing wrong, I just don't know, and it's killing me.

Fake It ´Til You Make It (Faking =/= Lying)

2006-04-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

I´ve come to the realization that I am an amazing faker.

Back story... I´m having a really hard time spiritually right now. It´s just a time filled with doubts and silence. I really just want to be out of this place, and back home. (Soon enough eh?)

So, me and Bax were talking today (we do that quasi-regularly now) and I faked it through my teeth. I said I was doing OK, I said everything was alright, but I was just anxious to get home.

But anyway, I am really anxious to get home, but I am struggling big time with God. I am struggling with the silence I am getting from him, and I am having a lot of doubts...

So yeah, I don´t really know what to do with that...

The Lunatic Is In My Head

2006-04-06T11:49:00.000-07:00

Holy freakin crap, I really need to get outta here. I´m going insane! I´ve got a crap load of work that I don´t wanna do, have no motivation to do; I´ve got a yearbook that has to be done tonight, and I don´t know how far along it is; I´ve got STUPID people I have to deal with 24/7 that I just wanna kill...
I´M GOING OUT OF MY MIND!

"there´s someone in my head and it´s not me" - Pink Floyd

Beauty In Brutality

2006-03-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

There is something beautiful in complete, utter, and brutal honesty. There is a freedom in embarrassment, a liberation in vulnerability. Words cannot do justice the feelings that come after a person shares something that they have never revealed to anyone before, especially if the other person responds, in kind, by doing the same.

I recently shared something like that with Daniela. She responded by doing the same. We both told each other something that neither of us had told another living soul. It just so happens that we shared, very nearly, the same thing. Once we had both told each other everything, I felt a sense of freedom. I was free from this secret, it's power to trip me up, and I had someone I could talk about it with.

I'm gonna cut it short here by saying:

Honesty, in it's truest, most complete form, is more freeing than it is embarassing.

Nothing...

2006-03-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report. Kinda boring, but I'll live. Just have the yearbook and school work to work on...which, in all honesty, is the usual.

So, in conclusion, I' bored, send me mail...

Gary Kainz
Covenant Bible College Ecuador
Casilla 17-11-6664
Quito, Ecuador

"Community" - Note the quotes

2006-03-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

I know that everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say I'm having a "rain cloud" moment.

Oxford American Dictionaries - cloud - figurative - a state or cause of gloom, suspicion, trouble, or worry

I seriously think that I've obtained this rain cloud from being here at CBC. There are so many things that put me down, into a funk. There are so many things that make me angry, or hurt, or sick(ened). Much of it has to do with the people: students and staff. A lot of it has to do with how people interact with me (or, more accurately, don't interact with me).

When I think about this CBC "community", all I can think of is a clique filled high school. There are so many groups and cliques within out very small community (of 30 people). I can't fathom how a clique can from with only 30 people to draw from, but this "community" has accomplished that in at least 3 ways.

I feel like most of the "friends", however few, have all either drifted away, or straight up left me out in the cold. They don't even say "Hi" anymore, they all act like I'm invisible. It's so enraging, but more than that, it just puts my head into a rain cloud. I get so hurt that it's not even like real hurt, but more like I just get ... sad isn't the right word, but it's the best one I've got.

I really feel like Daniela is the only thing keeping me here right now. Classes aren't bad, Ecuador is awesome, but the "community" is so off-putting that if Daniela wasn't here, I would be going home right now. I would be calling my parents and telling them to buy me a ticket right now.

Unappreciated, or “It’s not over yet”

2006-03-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

Of course, we start with the back-story:

For Kids College, I was the photographer/videographer for the weekend. I took in surplus of 600 pictures, and made a video for Sunday (the 3rd day of Kids College) during the weekend. I was busy doing all this stuff every second I had. I was either taking pictures or editing the video the entire time I was conscious.

Back, back-story:

Making a video takes a ton of time and work. A general rule of thumb is 1 hour of work per minute of video. This video took longer because it was made up of pictures that I had to get off the camera, in to iPhoto, resized with another program (because they were 8 megapixels, which is too large for my little G3 to handle), back into iPhoto, and finally in to iMovie, where each photo had to render for about a minute.

The real story:

Today I was informed I had to make a video that we were going to send to churches that donated money for Kids College. I was told this by a girl in leadership. When she said, "We need a video to send to churches." I saId, "I'll just use the one I made for the Sunday worship." And (these were her exact words, said with a mean, nasty tone) she said, "That's not good enough."

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, so I walked away. But the whole thing just got me thinking and I realized how overlooked and unappreciated my gifts are. It even made me question why I have the gifts God gave me, why He gave them to me, and why I even use those gifts. I truly believe that they are gifts given to me by God. God gave me talent (I'm not tooting my own horn here, but God's) with technical stuff like video, editing, photography, and that kind of thing. Creative Communication, I believe it's call on a spiritual gifts test.

Now, I'm not asking to be praised for my work. I don't even really want thanks. I did the video because I like doing it. I did the video because I love doing videography. I honestly would rather people not notice that I did it, but that it got done, and that it was done for God. I'm not looking for recognition of myself, or my talents, I guess what I'm looking for is recognition that it's not easy, it's not a "slacker" job, that videography takes time and effort. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that it is a gift from God, and that people stop taking it for granted or for taking it for less that it's worth.

I guess it just really sucks when your work goes unappreciated

Praise God, It's Over...

2006-03-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well, Kids College is over, we're not being babysat anymore. I'm trying every moment I can to rest and recuperate, but I think it's gonna take a bit of time... I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. But, they canceled classes for us today, which was nice. So we all slept in and lounged around a bit. Daniela and I were going to go to the waterpark we went to for our 2nd retreat, but it was closed. So we wandered around town a bit.

So, the whole weekend, I was taking pictures, and that was fun. I put together a video/slideshow for yesterday (Sunday) and that was pretty stressful.

But, last night we had a ceremonious "Death Of Kids College" bonfire, in which we threw everything left over. That was fun.

Praise God, it's over...

Babysat?

2006-03-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ok, I haven't liked any of this Kids College deal since the beginning, but now I'm hating the idea, the prep., and the people high up in leading it.

*Back story*
Kids College is this VBS type weekend we put on for kids from Alliance Academy (missionary kid school). We start everything from scratch, and we are putting in on this weekend
*The end*

So, we found out today, after our first walkthru, that we have a 'closed campus' (aka, we can't leave) until Kids College is over.

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

They've said all along, "We don't want to be your babysitters" and "We're not going to treat you like kids", and then they do this garbage. It's enraging!

I want out of here...a.s.a.p.

Repeat

2006-03-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I know I already said this, but I feel like I'm being baby-sat.

Seriously, I want to kill every single (Ok, maybe I'll keep one or two) person here!

Human Nature...

2006-03-01T18:29:00.001-07:00

We had an opportunity today, at an Ash Wednesday service, to have a confession of sorts. We were to write down things we needed or wanted to confess, on a piece of paper, and then put it in a vase of oil. The oil represented God's Grace, as our sins slowly were engulfed and sank into the oil. It was a very neat idea, and I liked it very much.

But, one thing I noticed is that nearly everyone folded their piece of paper with their confessions in half. I did so myself, so I'm not judging any one, but I thought it was interesting. It's almost as if, even when confessing, we don't want anyone to know what we're confessing. Even if we were confessing something that we did against someone else, we hide it. It seems like when we're confessing, we don't really want to confess...

Cavil At Rest

2006-03-01T18:29:00.000-07:00

Go listen to these guys, they're awesome!

http://www.myspace.com/cavilatrest

I wish I could take credit, but I can't, thanks Genny!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (More accurately titled "Common Courtesy")

2006-02-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Removed by request...

Pics

2006-02-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Ok, now here's the deal... I also put up a photo gallery of my own (notice there's no more "Ecuador Pics" link... so, update your bookmarks (if you've got them) because my new photo gallery is at

http://www.awretchlikeme.com/photos

If you really love me, register or sign up or whatever, because then you can download my pictures to your own computer (Mom, Dad, that means you can go get them printed...)

Much love

Frustration! (and new)

2006-02-26T12:27:00.000-07:00

Just in case you’re blind, I’ve got a whole new look to my blog. I’m using a blog editor/manager thing, so now you can post comments, and a bunch more stuff… But, it might take a bit of time for me to get everything up and running, so bear with me!

GET ME OUTTA HERE! I can’t freakin stand it here! Things here on campus are incredibly, ridiculously impossible. I’m fully convinced that Kids College is straight from the Devil. Everyone is so on edge, everyone is on everyone’s asses to get things finished, get things finalized, and I can’t stand it! The leadership team, Margie, and everyone else highly involved are really, really, really starting to piss me off. They’re treating us like we’re little kids. They say over and over again that they’re not trying to be babysitters, and they don’t want to be, but they are! They’re treating us like we’re babies, constantly on us, always telling us what to do, always on our asses to get things done. But here’s the biggest problem they’re facing…they’re trying to motivate people to do something they’re totally apathetic (or even hostile…like me) towards! I don’t give two shats about Kids College, and they want me to be all passionate about it. They finally realized I really didn’t want to be a leader of a group of kids, they realized that they said at the beginning, “We want to put you where you want to be” but they drafted all the males to be small group leaders, against their will. So, they replaced me and put me on photography and video (hallelujia!).
Another thing that’s driving me nuts is the hipocracy in all the teachers. ALL, not one, not two, but all the teachers. One in particular says “I love you” every day (since the first day we got here), but then reveals their true emotions by ignoring students, and generally not caring, like they say they do. Good lord, there’s so much garbage going on at CBC, it’s enraging! I can’t stand it, I want out so badly! (But, I’m not a quitter, especially now (since it’s been all paid for)).

Ignorance...

2006-02-22T18:27:00.000-07:00

Is ignorance really bliss?
Finally, one of my classes has got me thinking (it's about time!). Is ignorance really bliss? We were talking in Ethics today about music sharing and pirated movies (which are very prolific down here). Bob had said something about just ignoring the ethics about it, which provoked this comment from me... "I think I'm really good at shutting it off. I think if I sat down and thought about it, I might have more of a problem with it, if only because I know some musicians, so I know how it can effect them, and I know the effort that goes in to making a movie." So that just got me to thinking... How do I feel about file-sharing and buying pirated movies? More importantly, how does God want me to feel about sharing music and "stealing" movies? More to come...

Make Out?

2006-02-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

So, just a little more on my birthday, it rocked. I ended up getting both packages in the mail on Monday night, and that made me happy. Also, Daniela had a bunch of balloons in my room after class, it was cute. Overall, I had a great birthday. The end.

Now for some rambling...
I seem to have found a natural (or unnatural) progression in relationships (ok, in my relationship. When you first start out, you're all lovey dovey. You want to be around that person all the time, you want to be wrapped around (a.k.a. hug, etc...) them as much as possible. You're the typical "disgusting" couple (because you're super lovey dovey). Then you grow up a little bit, your relationship matures, you talk more, you become more and more serrious, and then you enter a time where all you want to do is make out (sorry Mom!) (this may be written from a "guy only" perspective...). Its true. You all know it. That's all you wanna do, and thats all you do. But then, you realize that by only making out, your relationship actually begins to suffer... You've stopped talking, you've grown apart, and you don't really know what's going on with the other person. So, when you realize this, you seek to correct it. You may set stricter limits or new rules, or (in my case) you may propose a challenge to only kiss (not "make out") for a week or so. As this week goes by, you don't really miss "making out" and you don't have a huge desire to do so. Then you may realize that "making out" is so much more intimate that you had previously thought. It is this act, which once was so common, that you now take for what it is, an intimate act, a loving act, a symbol of your love, and not just a fun time. You may then begin to wonder why people begin to make out so quickly in relationships. It makes you wonder how something so intimate, so loving, has been reduced to something so trite and commonplace.
So, here's my piece of advice for the day (week, or how ever long it takes me to update this thing again...), if you're in a relationship, don't take the physicality of it for granted. Don't make out because it's fun, don't make out because you like to do it and you have the opportunity to do it. If you're going to make out, mean it. And if you're not ready to mean it, or if you don't fully understand the implications of it, DON'T DO IT! Trust me, kissing (not making out) is just as fun! Heh. But, then you also have to be careful to not cheapen the value of your kiss.
The end...of this really long ramble...about making out... (Sorry again Mom)

Birth

2006-02-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

Exactly 19 years ago this day... a child was born. ME! Yeah, thats right, it's my birthday. I rock. Even though I haven't updated in a while, but not much has gone on. The past week wasn't bad, kinda boring, but not bad. Friday after ministries Dani and I and a few others stayed in Quito and I got my ears pierced (for my bday) and it rocks. I love 'em. Really, that's about it. Still waiting on packages (bday and vday). But I woke up today to find a little present by my door (awww, how cute!), and everyone wearing hats (because thats what I do, so they're doing it for my birthday). That's all for this entry, its shot, but you'll get over it.

Spring Break

2006-02-13T06:30:00.000-07:00

HO...LEE...CRAP! Spring Break was, by far, the best time I've ever had down here. It was amazing. After a long, long bus ride in an uncomfortable, hot bus, we got to our hotel at 1:30am. Our rooms were in this little cabana right near the beach. The rooms were pretty sweet (Raul and I shared a 2 bed room, the girls shared a 3 bed room). Basically, this is how the entire trip went... Breakfast whenever we rolled out of bed, hang out on the beach till lunch, lunch, naptime, chill out on/by/near the beach (sometimes in hammocks), dinner, chill out till we rolled back into bed. So stinkin awesome! It was so relaxing, so chill, such a great time, I deffinetly needed this. Not only that, but some exciting stuff happened w/ Daniela and I too. Kinda sounds dumb saying this, but it's like I fell in love with her all over again. We talked about everything pretty much the whole weekend. More to come later...

The End Is Near

2006-01-31T18:34:00.000-07:00

I've got a good feeling about this. I think I'm starting to pull thru this dry season. Today, I got a copy of Searching For God Knows What from Bax, and I'm already about half way thru it. I think I can feel God telling me things thru it. For instance, Miller says that we are begins who are wired to have someone or something tell us what who we are (hence, our seeking attention, praise, etc...). Now, back in the Garden of Eden, we got that identity from God, who walked with Adam and Eve. So they got their identity in God, God told them who they were, what they were. But, since the Fall, we've been getting out identity from other, not so admirable, sources. And I can feel that since I've been so distant from God lately, I've been finding my identity in something else (what that is, I'm not sure...yet) and I haven't been recieving input from God, I've been blocking Him out, ignoring Him (something which I am, unfortunetly, pretty good at). That's why I've been so..."depressed", "dry", "empty", or whatever you wanna call it, because I've been trying to fill a God shaped hole with, who knows what (I really don't know what I was putting there, probably nothing, which can be just as bad as a bad something). Also, I had a talk with Bax today and kinda told him what's been goin on, and he wants to start meeting every week (again), and I have a good feeling about it. He's probably my favorite teacher here, and he's super smart and know's what he's talking about, so that should be good. Now, I've just gotta get the motivationt to do some school work! ;)
This morning in worship I realized somethintg... My "dryness" has been entierly my fault. It's completely self-induced. I feel bad and I stoped seeking God. I stoped praying, stopped reading the Bible, stopped paying attention in class, and just started ignoring Him (whic I am pretty good at, unfortunetly). So, I'm half way thru Searching For God Knows What already and it's helping immensly