Monday, February 19, 2007

When Darkness Turns To Light, It Ends Tonight

The title doesn't really have any bearing on anything, the song has just been stuck in my head all morning. Don't read in to it. ;)

I know it's been a long time since I've updated my blog, but I've been pretty busy and, in my own opinion, pretty boring. I'm starting to feel over -whelmed -worked -schooled, overly busy, overly tired, overly everything. The way my schedule is this semester, I go straight from school to work 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't sound like a lot, but combined with homework, stuff with High Point (High Impact on Sundays, Small Group on Thursday, High Point on Wednesday), and trying to have a life, it's a lot. And on the occasion I do have a Thursday off of work, I never feel like I get any rest.

I got approval to get a sleep study to find out if I can get a CPAP machine to sleep with so when I sleep, I am actually sleeping instead of waking up gasping because I don't breathe in the night. I am hoping that will help curb this insane amount of exhaustion I have been living with. I don't know how I've done it, but running on empty for so long has got me ready to give up. I just wish I had a week to sleep, be lazy all day, and just rest.

My birthday is tomorrow, which is pretty cool. I won't be a teenager any more. Although, I haven't felt like one for a while. It may have been because of my schedule as of late, or because I left home post-high school, but I feel mature and independent, even if I'm not completely. Talking with a friend the other day, I expressed some of this, adding, "I know when to be mature, but that doesn't mean I don't act immature when I want to." I also told someone at work the other day, "I was more mature than [that high school girl] when I was her age, and I'm a guy!" I think I'm starting to lose patience with ... most things and people. Why do I have to go thru so much more school? Why do I have to work at Panera and not do what I want? Why do I have so much stuff I "have" to do? Why does the world revolve around money? Why are apartments so expensive?

I think it's coming time for me to move out. I don't know why, I don't have any real problems at home. We have little arguments but nothing very serious. I just think it's time for me to be independent. At CBC I felt more independent, even though we had cooks, deans (babysitters), and a laundry list of rules and curfews. I just think it's time to move on. But, earning what I'm earning at Panera, and working as much as I am (which leaves little room for more shifts), I don't see how it is possible to pay for a rent of ... any amount. As it is, I make barely enough to pay my car insurance and my cell phone bill.

I'm just getting restless I guess. Waiting for the next big thing. I hate waiting. Except the movie Waiting, that's awesome

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