Finally!

As most of you know, Daniela got here on Wednesday. I picked her up at the airport, and she's staying at my house until her parents get here and they go to a cabin they rented in Boulder for Christmas.

Let me just say, it's about damn time! It's been so great to have her back with me. I am really excited to see where our lives take us from here. She/we have a lot of work to do before her parents leave at the beginning of January, we have to get her a place to live, a car, a bank account, a drivers license, car/health insurance, a job, furniture, etc... It's going to be a crazy, hectic month, but it'll all be worth it. She's already got some stuff laid out and ready, which should help to speed some stuff up.

I don't really know what the purpose of this was, but to say that I'm really happy she's here, and I feel like I can finally start living again...

Bored

I haven't updated this ol' bloggie in a while, but that's because I'm bored. Dani gets here on the 6th of December. I can't wait, and I'm too bored without her to do anything else. How lame am I?

The End

Update

Hey everyone, I just updated my DeviantArt Account with a ton of new pictures from Ecuador. Serious, like 50 or more. It's awesome. Let me know what you think! http://gkainz.deviantart.com/gallery

Much Love
Gary

This Ain't My First Rode-o!

Last night, my love for the Cha Cha Cha Riot! (The Chariot) was renewed. Such a good show. My ears are still ringing and my neck and back are still stiff. Man I needed that. As much as I love the Chariot, it's quite hard to trash or slam dance to them, because they're so chaotic, which is why I was glad that August Burns Red was there; they're always good for a trash pit.

Favorite moments/lyric lines of the night:

THIS AIN'T MY FIRST RODEO!!!
JESUS LOVES YOU! And so do ... I!!

A Little Bit O' Prayer Please

So, we found out yesterday that my Mom has a brain tumor. It's relatively small and is situated on or near the auditory nerve in her brain; hence the hearing loss she's had for a while. It's not malignant (cancerous) which is a good thing, and we'll find out today when/how they'll remove it. Apparently they have a new procedure where they shoot gamma rays at it to kill it, and they don't have to chop out a chunk of skull, which is pretty sweet.

So, if any/all of you could keep us in your prayers, that would be wonderful. Thanks!

Good News

Guess what? I'm now on song 742 of 8102, and I'm into the letter B!

No Shave November

That's right. Don't shave your face in the month of November. That's all you have to do...

Rules:
1)No Shave November applies to faces, and faces only. Sorry ladies, them's the rules.

2)If you must shave (for example, I have to shave for work), you are only allowed to shave the following: neck-beard and/or mustache. Thats it!

That's it. Them's the rules and they ain't a'changin', not no way, not no how.

Music

So, thanks a lot to Alicia and/or Tate (I don't know who started it...) I'm listening to all my music alphabetically by song title. I started on Monday, and listening in the car and at school. So, thats a pretty good chunk of time... you'd think. But in all reality, I've hardly begun at all. I am currently on song # 275 of 8102... I'm still on the letter A, but not even to words starting with A, for example "A Message" by Coldplay. This is frustrating... I guess I'll just have to learn to appreciate the music I have (since I'm too poor to buy new music)

P.S.

I must amend my previous statement that cold weather makes people move faster.

It is only when a) it is colder than people expect or b) people are not ready for the cold; that people move faster. When everyone is ready and bundled up for the cold, they move just as slow as during warmer times...

Lame

Movin' On Up, To...

Chris' House, to become his mom's slave!

First of all, its snowing, and that makes me very, very happy!

Secondly, Chris' mom is "sponsoring" me this snow season. That means she's gonna freakin buy me a buddy pass... HOW AWESOME IS THAT? When he told me that, I just wanted to run out of class and go jump around. So amazing.

If Only My Discontent Were In Its Winter

I don't know what's wrong with me. I really don't. Something isn't right. Something isn't lined up. I don't know what it is, I can't fix it.

I FEEL LIKE I'M TAKING CRAZY PILLS

The Weepies!

I got this song a while ago with a large sampler of songs and I didn't really listen to it. So when I heard it today, it struck me because it was new and because it fit my mood exactly. The Weepies are one of my new favorite bands ever! Their CD will definetly be one of my first purchases, once I get a paycheck... $28 bucks won't exactly stretch till then if I'm buying music will it? haha!

---

The Weepies - "Gotta Have You"

Gray, quiet and tired and mean
Picking at a worried seam
I try to make you mad at me over the phone.
Red eyes and fire and signs
I'm taken by a nursery rhyme
I want to make a ray of sunshine and never leave home

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

The road gets cold, there's no spring in the middle this year
I'm the new chicken clucking open hearts and ears
Oh, such a prima donna, sorry for myself
But green, it is also summer
And I won't be warm till I'm lying in your arms

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

I see it all through a telescope: guitar, suitcase, and a warm coat
Lying in the back of the blue boat, humming a tune...

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no wine
No, no, no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you.

---

Incredible how perfectly songs can capture all the words I can't seem to get out myself...

From Unemployment to Most Desired In A Matter Of Minutes

So, today I went to apply at Panera Bread in Louisville/Superior because I heard they were hiring from Alicia. So I go in just to get an application, planing on dropping it off tomorrow when I go to the bus stop (it's in the same parking lot as the park-n-ride).
So I go and ask for an app and the girl behind the counter hands it to me and says "If you fill it out here and talk to a manager, she'll hire you on the spot." So what do I do? Fill it out of course! So I fill it out, having to call home to get some phone numbers because I wasn't prepared to fill it out and I go hand it in.
The manager comes out and asks me a few questions like "Are you in school? Where do you go? Etc..." then says, "You want a job?" to which I say "No thanks" ... JUST KIDDING! I say "Heck yes I do!" (I think I actually said "heck yes" but I don't remember). So we talked for a few minutes (under 5) about schedule, what the job is, how desperate they are for people, how they really want me because I'm over 18, they need people for nights (which is about all I can work), and she liked college students and just "liked me" and thought I would do good at Panera, etc... and I start orientation on Thursday! So that's wicked sweet.

Moo: Or, Following The Herd On A Cold Day

My first and second classes on Monday, Wednesday, Friday are about as close as East is to West. Ok, maybe not, but it's pretty far away. I have 10 minutes between classes, and I rarely make it on time. CU Students, I have to go from the Econ building (on Broadway) to Duane... yeah. But today, a particularly chilly day (39 degrees according to my weather widget), I found myself in my desk even before the teacher.

This lead me to the following hypothesis... People move faster on a cold day. Usually, I'm bobbing and weaving between slowly "mograting" students (mosey + migrate = mograte, thank you Kevin Q) and dodging bike riders. Yet today, I found myself zigging and zagging between fewer students. They were all speed walking (relatively) at a good clip.

In conclusion.. if you're slow, get out of my way.

its wheatgrass!

I think...

New look.

That's all.

Yessir!

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back... now.

Can I have everyone's attention?! I have an important, wonderful piece of news: Daniela is moving here on the 6th of December! How awesome is that! Stinkin amazing! So, if anyone is looking for a roommate, or knows anyone looking for a roommate or renter, let me know, and I'll pass it on. Also, any job openings or places hiring would be sweet (Because I'm looking for now and she'll be looking when she gets here)

Right now the plan is for her to get a place, a car, a job, and start taking online classes at Front Range. Once she gets Colorado residency (which takes a year), she'll transfer up to CU Boulder with me. Awesome sauce

Dear Diary...

Today I saw a fledgling She-Mullet in it's natural habitat, the bus stop.

I hope I can observe it more to understand it's behaviors

Busy

Daniela is here for a week or so, so don't expect much on awretchlikeme.

News, Thoughts, and Driving

Well, the time has come for me to write something again. I've found some free time whilst waiting for my Sociology class (I have a 2 hour gap between my 2 classes today). After reading the Westword, puttering on MySpace and Facebook for far too long, I didn't come to any great realization other than, just write. So I shall.

I've had a couple of really great thoughts over the past while that I really want to get down on paper and/or post, but I've never "found the time" to do it. One I actually did write down (because I didn't have dear ol' Lucy (that's my computer by the way) with me to post). In summary, there were 2 people on campus, on my first day, who were holding huge doomsday, you're going to hell if you don't love jesus kinda signs. I watched them interact with people for a while and then get into an argument with a christian girl who told them that she thought they were going about this all wrong. I fully agreed with her, but didn't have the time, or courage really, to speak up with her. I'll try and post the whole thing I wrote soon.

Another thing I've been toying with and developing extensively in my head is this thing about interacting with God:
A while back I was just driving, I don't remember where but, how often, when really driving, is the destination the end and not the means? It's usually an excuse for me to just drive. I enjoy driving. It's a time of solitude and thought (not so much reflection, because I'm not all that introspective), and not to mention good music. So, here I was, driving somewhere for some reason, with the windows rolled down. And what child (at heart) doesn't stick their hand out the window and play with the wind when it rushes past? Felling the wind rush through my fingers and being able to fell the pressure of something I couldn't see was a wonderful wake up call. When I slowed down for the approaching red light, the pressure decreased until I could no longer feel the wind. And for some reason, it all just clicked in my head.
Picture (for the sake of analogy) God as the wind, or more accurately, the air. We can't see the air, but we know, without a doubt, that it is present; without the air, we would die. Now when I was driving along at 50 mph, and I stuck my hand out the window, I felt the air. I felt what I could not see. I felt it rush past my hand or, more accurately, I felt my hand move through the air, which pushed against my hand. The slower we move, the less we feel. How often have you felt God when you're doing nothing? I don't mean sitting in solitude, I mean doing nothing. Not pursuing God, not praying, not reading Scripture, not thinking and talking and debating about God and with God. It's not very often that we feel God when we do nothing.
But when we run at full speed towards Him, how much more can we feel the air all around our bodies? We feel it on our face, we and feel it rustle our clothes, and blow our hair. Feeling God requires action on our part. Feeling and knowing our Savior requires a desire to do so, and actions leading towards it. Being an Armchair Christian doesn't cut it for me. I want to feel God. I want to know Him. I want to learn from Him. I want to be close to the Savior of my life.
And therein lies the "hard part." "What do you mean I have to do something? God is everywhere and all-powerful, why doesn't He just do all the work?" Because this thing we've got with God, it's a relationship. Pure and (not so) simple. Does your best friend come over to your house, sit by you on your couch, and talk at you, while you watch tv? Does your girlfriend carry the conversation, while you are asleep? Why would God do all the work? That's not to say you have to do all the work. God wants to be with you. He wants you to let Him love you. God wants to shower you with love and all you have to do is let him. Put some effort into your relationship with your Creator. Run towards your God at full speed and feel Him on your face, feel him blow your hair.

En Memoriam

Poor is the nation who has no heroes. Shameful is the nation who, having them, forgets.

Everyone needs go to http://www.myspace.com/thefrayforum and listen to their 9/11 tribute song.
Gave me the chills...

We Remember...

Worry Not

I know it's been a VERY long time since I've written, but fear not, I am just constantly busy. Reading for school has me tied up for most of my time. I'll try to write more often...

Knowing God is a two way street.

Well, first I'll refer you to my previous post (I went to Tennessee and all I got was FOUND) before you read this one (just incase you don't follow chronologically).

Now, on to the real stuff...

So, since being FOUND at CHIC, things have most definitely gone from "mountain/retreat high" to "mundane low". That night at CHIC when I was crying out desperately to God, I remember saying "I'm done with doing nothing. I just want to feel you again and I'll do anything to be able to." Well, surprise, surprise, my lazy ass hasn't done a thing since CHIC. And, wouldn't you know it, my re-lit fire, and my patching up with God has all but died and failed. And I know exactly why. It's because I haven't done a single thing I told Him I would do. I haven't searched for Him, I haven't reached out to Him, I haven't prayed, read, dug deeper, or even really wanted to. Now our relationship is suffering as a result.

Which brings up an interesting point. Our relationship with God is just that. A relationship. Think about the first one that comes to mind. A spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, sibling. Any of those work. Imagine this: your best friend (just for the sake of example) and you are closer than siblings. You are together all the time, you know everything about each other, you are essentially the same person, you are around each other so much. But then things start to change. You befriend another person, and begin to, not so much pull away, but become more and more busy your new friend. You call your best friend less, you hang out less, and eventually, you hardly even know each other. That relationship has become less a relationship and more an acquaintance. You look back years later and think, "Damn, remember when we were friends?". Then you realize it. You stopped making an effort. You stopped caring as much and, eventually, at all. Your ex-best friend stopped making an effort when they saw that you were no longer in the relationship.

All that to say, that's how God and I are. I stopped calling. And I know He never stopped putting effort into our relationship, but I stopped seeing that effort, feeling that effort. Now I'm the one looking back going, "Damn, remember when God and I were friends?"

So, where do I go from here? Unfortunately I know exactly where I go from here. (I say unfortunately because I should have done it a long time ago.) I start putting effort back in to it. I know what I've got to do, and now I've just got to get off my lazy ass and do it... which, in the end, is all anyone has to do.

GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

I went to tennessee and all I got was FOUND

well, if you know me or if you read this, you know i've been in a huge spiritual funk for a long time. i've been in this funk since before i left for cbc. it made my year at cbc really hard and pretty crappy and i became pretty mad because i was in it, and mad at god for leaving me in it. i felt like he was ignoring me, and that i was doing everything i could to get out of it. it was a terrible place where i couldn't feel god or hear him or anything.

i went to CHIC hoping that something would happen. that anything would happen and that god would reach out and touch me. that is exactly what he did.

wednesday night was just an amazing time of worship at the 'main stage' we had every night. the worship was wonderful and the speaker was great. she said something that will come in to play in this story. she was talking about the last supper and how John laid his head on Jesus' chest. She said that she imagined them having fun and messing around, and said "i can just imagine Jesus tousling John's hair" (b/c John was the youngest, etc...). I can't even pinpoint what it was exactly, (the worship, the surroundings, the communion, or something else), but i just felt like i had to scream out to god in one last ditch cry. so i am sitting down, praying, crying out to him, asking him why i was alone and why he had left me, and why he was so far from me. it was right then that you friend Joe (who was standing and singing) tousled my hair. It was that moment that I had felt god for the first time in at least 9 months (probably more). It sent a shudder through my body and i just felt god. he spoke to me (i'm still trying to decipher what he really said to me) and i was left in awe.

so, in rachel cavanaugh fashion... "guess what?"

"God's real!"

And that's how I was found by God in an arena in Tennessee.

As for the rest of CHIC, I had a blast. The team I worked with was awesome, hilarious, fun, and generally good to work with. If you wanna know more, lemme know

On Being (And/Or Going) Insane

So, good news, i'm going insane. Like for real insane. ("good news" was sarcastic).

I don't know what's goin on in me, around me, above me...

The other night (in what was the peak of my insanity, or, well, the tipping point) I got myself out of bed, drove to lookout mountain at 1am, smoked a cigar, then drove all over arvada (my old houses, my elementary, junior, and high schools), and ended up back home. And the whole time I was hoping to be able to think and figure some stuff out, but, to no avail. I just drove around in the middle of the night for no reason.

Maybe it's insanity, maybe it's insomnia, but either way, my life is screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it...

the theme song for my life

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

(I'll have it made, I'll have it made
You know we're really gonna
Really gonna have it made
Gonna have it made)

---

honestly, this song is exactly how i'm feeling right now... blah.

I'm just so out of it (it as in everything) lately. I think it's been that way since I've been home, but now it's more prevalent. I don't understand why I (want to) sleep all day, and all I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I finally got a job at Conoco (a gas station). And I thought it was all good, but I was sitting in the back room the other day, putting hotdog buns into bags to put out on the grill and I thought, "what the hell am I doing!?!?!? I'm working at a gas station! I honestly never thought I would be working at a gas station. There's nothing wrong with it for some people, but I just feel like I've been downgraded (job-wise). I hate it, to be honest. But, I needed a job and an income, and this is it for now. I guess I'll keep an eye out for something that would be more fun, fulfilling, or even worth while.

I just don't get anything right now. I don't feel like doing anything, I have no passion for anything (even this video game that I was obsessed w/ is just like "meh" now. Lame example, I know, but suck it). I just feel like I'm slowly but surely dying. I kinda feel like getting smashed, high, or something to like, wake up... (don't worry, I won't)

What the hell is going on with me and in me and around me and above me and through out my sick sad little world?

Nachooooooo!

I just got back from seeing Nacho Libre, and I think I've got a new favorite movie! (Maybe not of all time, but it's definitely making the list!)

Jack Black is awesome. He is the funniest guero I've ever seen on film (the first? I don't know). His quick jibs as well as his over-extended jokes make him a master of comedy. It could also be the accent... The man can make you laugh just by moving his eyebrows at the right moment. I'm serious.

Everyone has to go see this movie.

NACHO...!!!

out-a-place

i don't know what it was, but today while i was sitting in church, i just kinda felt out of place. i just sat there thinking, "all these kids are so much younger than me" and "everyone my age here is a leader..." and even though i was sitting with my guys, i was feeling out of place. i guess this is probably something all college kids go thru, and i'm just feeling it late because i was gone for so long.

i'm going to scum of the earth tonight with david and danny, and even though i don't think i'll be making that drive every week, i might start looking around at churches. i'll probably try grace, where renee and nathan go and jason and eric are doing worship. some of the girls talked about checking out churches too, so i might tag along to tnl and wherever else they go. i've only been to satellite once, so i'll go there a few times and feel it out too...

i think a part of my feeling out of place could be my terrible relationship with God. basically, my relationship with him is virtually non-existant. i don't read my bible, i don't pray, i don't want to pray, and i just don't feel him like i have in the past. i'm to the point where, if i hadn't known and felt God so closely in my past, i would probably be turning from him. but i can't do that, knowing and feeling what i've known and felt.

i've gotta find something...

gah!

i need a job. any help would be appreciated

x-men 3: the last stand

I saw x-men 3: the last stand tonight. yes, i did.

it was pretty good. i enjoyed it thoroughly. the one thing it was lacking was the interaction/action/display of power/general goodness of Phoenix. i was pretty disappointed by her lack of action, and what little action she did have, in her lack of power usage. sure, she telekenisis'ed the hell out of a bunch of rocks, alcatraz, and made people disintigrate, but i was looking for her to bust out into her pyrokinetic phoenix "form" (a la the cartoon) and fly around, burning things (and maybe to hear the classic phoenix screech in the background). she seemd too timid when she wasn't pissed, and too dulled down (from my memory of her) when she was pissed (which equals action).

also, archangel played a much more minor role than i would have liked to see. sad day, but you can't get it all.

over all, it was a great movie, and a good conclusion(?) to the trilogy (so far?) of x-men movies.

must see!

confirmation

i've been hammering out stuff for school in the fall, and i finally decided on university of colorado at boulder (CU). i'm pretty excited. i'll be going as a pre-journalism/mass communication major and i'll be focusing on either media studies or broadcast production. that may all change once i talk to an adviser about classes.

GO BUFFS!

bored and boring

holy crap, i'm so bored. but, like one of my cbc classmates says, "only boring people are ever bored" so i guess i'm pretty damn boring.

I still don't have a job (yet) so it looks like i've had 2 weeks off instead of just 1.

um... yea, i told ya... bored and boring

it's been a while... since i could say that i've updated my blog

i know, i know, i've been really bad at updating my blog since i've been home, but suck on a lemon!, because it's my blog.

lemme see... anything new? i've been working on the yard, i got to drive and play with a tractor today! that was cool.

there really isn't anything new. i called high noon today about getting a job again, and i'm waiting for a call.

tonight i'm hangin with the goose and i get to smoke my pipe! wicked awesome...

i guess i am just too boring now that everything is "normal" again...

it's strange...

I'm still feeling kinda torn between being happy about being back and missing where I came from.

Random side note: Any CBCer out there, I started the message board back up, if you didn't get the email, email me for the address.

I'm just hangin' out for this week. Just tryin to recoup from being away for so long and the travel...

chickens?

i'm finally home, and i'm feeling like a chicken with it's head cut off... more to come

How long, how long?

Wow.. when was my last entry? The 11th? Geez, I'm lame.

Well, since Daniela got here on the 6th I've been either busy running all over the place to get her ready to live here on her own or I've been stuck in the house catching cabin fever because 2 feet of snow got dumped on us, effectively cutting off any chance to do anything at all.

So Dani is going to be living in my sister & brother-in-law's basement, which is pretty cool because it's a totally finished basement, with a bathroom, and they're renting it to her pretty cheap, in comparison to an apartment... So we've been running around like made getting her furniture, a bed, decorations, etc... plus we've been running like mad to get her a driver's license, her US resident papers, a car, car insurance, and everything else you could imagine a person who just moved here would need. But in the end, as of today, she's gotten her license (well, she passed the tests and is waiting for the license to come in the mail), gotten a car (2001 Suzuki Grand Vitara), car insurance, her US resident papers and card, furniture, a bed, and a lot of little stuff too. So she's nearly 100% set up, and I'm exhausted from running around with her. But it was fun for the most part.

As for me, well, I'm just kinda blah. I'm super happy and excited for Dani to be here and start living here, close to me, but at the same time, I'm just kinda blah with everything else in my life. Last semester at CU put me in a sour disposition because of the gen. ed. classes I had to and still have to take, and I really didn't like the journalism class too much. I feel like having to go through all the journalism stuff just to get to the broadcast production piece isn't worth it. But I am taking a film class next semester which I'm excited for, and I think after I take that, I'll be able to decide if I want to be a Journalism major for the Broadcast Production or if I want to be a Film major. Who knows, it's all still up in the air.

The rest of my life is just blah. Boring, plain, blah, unsatisfying, unadventurous, boring, boring, boring. My spiritual life is dead. Sad to say, but true. I have no spiritual feeling at all. I feel dead to the spiritual. But, this is nothing new. I've been like this, without any feeling whatsoever, since CBC. I don't know when at CBC, but sometime during the year I just started fading out of my relationship with God. I don't pray, I don't read the bible, I don't get anything out of going to church, and I feel no connection to God. And yet I hesitate to do anything different because of the connection and realness of God I have experienced before. I have experienced God in the past, I've heard his voice and I've felt his comfort and I've known him (or at least thought I have), and now I feel spiritually dead.

I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know where to turn anymore, I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what I am doing wrong, I just don't know, and it's killing me.

Fake It ´Til You Make It (Faking =/= Lying)

I´ve come to the realization that I am an amazing faker.

Back story... I´m having a really hard time spiritually right now. It´s just a time filled with doubts and silence. I really just want to be out of this place, and back home. (Soon enough eh?)

So, me and Bax were talking today (we do that quasi-regularly now) and I faked it through my teeth. I said I was doing OK, I said everything was alright, but I was just anxious to get home.

But anyway, I am really anxious to get home, but I am struggling big time with God. I am struggling with the silence I am getting from him, and I am having a lot of doubts...

So yeah, I don´t really know what to do with that...

The Lunatic Is In My Head

Holy freakin crap, I really need to get outta here. I´m going insane! I´ve got a crap load of work that I don´t wanna do, have no motivation to do; I´ve got a yearbook that has to be done tonight, and I don´t know how far along it is; I´ve got STUPID people I have to deal with 24/7 that I just wanna kill...
I´M GOING OUT OF MY MIND!

"there´s someone in my head and it´s not me" - Pink Floyd

Beauty In Brutality

There is something beautiful in complete, utter, and brutal honesty. There is a freedom in embarrassment, a liberation in vulnerability. Words cannot do justice the feelings that come after a person shares something that they have never revealed to anyone before, especially if the other person responds, in kind, by doing the same.

I recently shared something like that with Daniela. She responded by doing the same. We both told each other something that neither of us had told another living soul. It just so happens that we shared, very nearly, the same thing. Once we had both told each other everything, I felt a sense of freedom. I was free from this secret, it's power to trip me up, and I had someone I could talk about it with.

I'm gonna cut it short here by saying:

Honesty, in it's truest, most complete form, is more freeing than it is embarassing.

Nothing...

Nothing to report. Kinda boring, but I'll live. Just have the yearbook and school work to work on...which, in all honesty, is the usual.

So, in conclusion, I' bored, send me mail...

Gary Kainz
Covenant Bible College Ecuador
Casilla 17-11-6664
Quito, Ecuador

"Community" - Note the quotes

I know that everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say I'm having a "rain cloud" moment.

Oxford American Dictionaries - cloud - figurative - a state or cause of gloom, suspicion, trouble, or worry

I seriously think that I've obtained this rain cloud from being here at CBC. There are so many things that put me down, into a funk. There are so many things that make me angry, or hurt, or sick(ened). Much of it has to do with the people: students and staff. A lot of it has to do with how people interact with me (or, more accurately, don't interact with me).

When I think about this CBC "community", all I can think of is a clique filled high school. There are so many groups and cliques within out very small community (of 30 people). I can't fathom how a clique can from with only 30 people to draw from, but this "community" has accomplished that in at least 3 ways.

I feel like most of the "friends", however few, have all either drifted away, or straight up left me out in the cold. They don't even say "Hi" anymore, they all act like I'm invisible. It's so enraging, but more than that, it just puts my head into a rain cloud. I get so hurt that it's not even like real hurt, but more like I just get ... sad isn't the right word, but it's the best one I've got.

I really feel like Daniela is the only thing keeping me here right now. Classes aren't bad, Ecuador is awesome, but the "community" is so off-putting that if Daniela wasn't here, I would be going home right now. I would be calling my parents and telling them to buy me a ticket right now.

Unappreciated, or “It’s not over yet”

Of course, we start with the back-story:

For Kids College, I was the photographer/videographer for the weekend. I took in surplus of 600 pictures, and made a video for Sunday (the 3rd day of Kids College) during the weekend. I was busy doing all this stuff every second I had. I was either taking pictures or editing the video the entire time I was conscious.

Back, back-story:

Making a video takes a ton of time and work. A general rule of thumb is 1 hour of work per minute of video. This video took longer because it was made up of pictures that I had to get off the camera, in to iPhoto, resized with another program (because they were 8 megapixels, which is too large for my little G3 to handle), back into iPhoto, and finally in to iMovie, where each photo had to render for about a minute.

The real story:

Today I was informed I had to make a video that we were going to send to churches that donated money for Kids College. I was told this by a girl in leadership. When she said, "We need a video to send to churches." I saId, "I'll just use the one I made for the Sunday worship." And (these were her exact words, said with a mean, nasty tone) she said, "That's not good enough."

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, so I walked away. But the whole thing just got me thinking and I realized how overlooked and unappreciated my gifts are. It even made me question why I have the gifts God gave me, why He gave them to me, and why I even use those gifts. I truly believe that they are gifts given to me by God. God gave me talent (I'm not tooting my own horn here, but God's) with technical stuff like video, editing, photography, and that kind of thing. Creative Communication, I believe it's call on a spiritual gifts test.

Now, I'm not asking to be praised for my work. I don't even really want thanks. I did the video because I like doing it. I did the video because I love doing videography. I honestly would rather people not notice that I did it, but that it got done, and that it was done for God. I'm not looking for recognition of myself, or my talents, I guess what I'm looking for is recognition that it's not easy, it's not a "slacker" job, that videography takes time and effort. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that it is a gift from God, and that people stop taking it for granted or for taking it for less that it's worth.

I guess it just really sucks when your work goes unappreciated

Praise God, It's Over...

Well, Kids College is over, we're not being babysat anymore. I'm trying every moment I can to rest and recuperate, but I think it's gonna take a bit of time... I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. But, they canceled classes for us today, which was nice. So we all slept in and lounged around a bit. Daniela and I were going to go to the waterpark we went to for our 2nd retreat, but it was closed. So we wandered around town a bit.

So, the whole weekend, I was taking pictures, and that was fun. I put together a video/slideshow for yesterday (Sunday) and that was pretty stressful.

But, last night we had a ceremonious "Death Of Kids College" bonfire, in which we threw everything left over. That was fun.

Praise God, it's over...

Babysat?

Ok, I haven't liked any of this Kids College deal since the beginning, but now I'm hating the idea, the prep., and the people high up in leading it.

*Back story*
Kids College is this VBS type weekend we put on for kids from Alliance Academy (missionary kid school). We start everything from scratch, and we are putting in on this weekend
*The end*

So, we found out today, after our first walkthru, that we have a 'closed campus' (aka, we can't leave) until Kids College is over.

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

They've said all along, "We don't want to be your babysitters" and "We're not going to treat you like kids", and then they do this garbage. It's enraging!

I want out of here...a.s.a.p.

Repeat

Ok, so I know I already said this, but I feel like I'm being baby-sat.

Seriously, I want to kill every single (Ok, maybe I'll keep one or two) person here!

Human Nature...

We had an opportunity today, at an Ash Wednesday service, to have a confession of sorts. We were to write down things we needed or wanted to confess, on a piece of paper, and then put it in a vase of oil. The oil represented God's Grace, as our sins slowly were engulfed and sank into the oil. It was a very neat idea, and I liked it very much.

But, one thing I noticed is that nearly everyone folded their piece of paper with their confessions in half. I did so myself, so I'm not judging any one, but I thought it was interesting. It's almost as if, even when confessing, we don't want anyone to know what we're confessing. Even if we were confessing something that we did against someone else, we hide it. It seems like when we're confessing, we don't really want to confess...

Cavil At Rest

Go listen to these guys, they're awesome!

http://www.myspace.com/cavilatrest

I wish I could take credit, but I can't, thanks Genny!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T (More accurately titled "Common Courtesy")

Removed by request...

Pics

Ok, now here's the deal... I also put up a photo gallery of my own (notice there's no more "Ecuador Pics" link... so, update your bookmarks (if you've got them) because my new photo gallery is at

http://www.awretchlikeme.com/photos

If you really love me, register or sign up or whatever, because then you can download my pictures to your own computer (Mom, Dad, that means you can go get them printed...)



Much love

Frustration! (and new)

Just in case you’re blind, I’ve got a whole new look to my blog. I’m using a blog editor/manager thing, so now you can post comments, and a bunch more stuff… But, it might take a bit of time for me to get everything up and running, so bear with me!


GET ME OUTTA HERE! I can’t freakin stand it here! Things here on campus are incredibly, ridiculously impossible. I’m fully convinced that Kids College is straight from the Devil. Everyone is so on edge, everyone is on everyone’s asses to get things finished, get things finalized, and I can’t stand it! The leadership team, Margie, and everyone else highly involved are really, really, really starting to piss me off. They’re treating us like we’re little kids. They say over and over again that they’re not trying to be babysitters, and they don’t want to be, but they are! They’re treating us like we’re babies, constantly on us, always telling us what to do, always on our asses to get things done. But here’s the biggest problem they’re facing…they’re trying to motivate people to do something they’re totally apathetic (or even hostile…like me) towards! I don’t give two shats about Kids College, and they want me to be all passionate about it. They finally realized I really didn’t want to be a leader of a group of kids, they realized that they said at the beginning, “We want to put you where you want to be” but they drafted all the males to be small group leaders, against their will. So, they replaced me and put me on photography and video (hallelujia!).
Another thing that’s driving me nuts is the hipocracy in all the teachers. ALL, not one, not two, but all the teachers. One in particular says “I love you” every day (since the first day we got here), but then reveals their true emotions by ignoring students, and generally not caring, like they say they do. Good lord, there’s so much garbage going on at CBC, it’s enraging! I can’t stand it, I want out so badly! (But, I’m not a quitter, especially now (since it’s been all paid for)).

Ignorance...

Is ignorance really bliss?
Finally, one of my classes has got me thinking (it's about time!). Is ignorance really bliss? We were talking in Ethics today about music sharing and pirated movies (which are very prolific down here). Bob had said something about just ignoring the ethics about it, which provoked this comment from me... "I think I'm really good at shutting it off. I think if I sat down and thought about it, I might have more of a problem with it, if only because I know some musicians, so I know how it can effect them, and I know the effort that goes in to making a movie." So that just got me to thinking... How do I feel about file-sharing and buying pirated movies? More importantly, how does God want me to feel about sharing music and "stealing" movies? More to come...

Make Out?

So, just a little more on my birthday, it rocked. I ended up getting both packages in the mail on Monday night, and that made me happy. Also, Daniela had a bunch of balloons in my room after class, it was cute. Overall, I had a great birthday. The end.

Now for some rambling...
I seem to have found a natural (or unnatural) progression in relationships (ok, in my relationship. When you first start out, you're all lovey dovey. You want to be around that person all the time, you want to be wrapped around (a.k.a. hug, etc...) them as much as possible. You're the typical "disgusting" couple (because you're super lovey dovey). Then you grow up a little bit, your relationship matures, you talk more, you become more and more serrious, and then you enter a time where all you want to do is make out (sorry Mom!) (this may be written from a "guy only" perspective...). Its true. You all know it. That's all you wanna do, and thats all you do. But then, you realize that by only making out, your relationship actually begins to suffer... You've stopped talking, you've grown apart, and you don't really know what's going on with the other person. So, when you realize this, you seek to correct it. You may set stricter limits or new rules, or (in my case) you may propose a challenge to only kiss (not "make out") for a week or so. As this week goes by, you don't really miss "making out" and you don't have a huge desire to do so. Then you may realize that "making out" is so much more intimate that you had previously thought. It is this act, which once was so common, that you now take for what it is, an intimate act, a loving act, a symbol of your love, and not just a fun time. You may then begin to wonder why people begin to make out so quickly in relationships. It makes you wonder how something so intimate, so loving, has been reduced to something so trite and commonplace.
So, here's my piece of advice for the day (week, or how ever long it takes me to update this thing again...), if you're in a relationship, don't take the physicality of it for granted. Don't make out because it's fun, don't make out because you like to do it and you have the opportunity to do it. If you're going to make out, mean it. And if you're not ready to mean it, or if you don't fully understand the implications of it, DON'T DO IT! Trust me, kissing (not making out) is just as fun! Heh. But, then you also have to be careful to not cheapen the value of your kiss.
The end...of this really long ramble...about making out... (Sorry again Mom)

Birth

Exactly 19 years ago this day... a child was born. ME! Yeah, thats right, it's my birthday. I rock. Even though I haven't updated in a while, but not much has gone on. The past week wasn't bad, kinda boring, but not bad. Friday after ministries Dani and I and a few others stayed in Quito and I got my ears pierced (for my bday) and it rocks. I love 'em. Really, that's about it. Still waiting on packages (bday and vday). But I woke up today to find a little present by my door (awww, how cute!), and everyone wearing hats (because thats what I do, so they're doing it for my birthday). That's all for this entry, its shot, but you'll get over it.

Spring Break

HO...LEE...CRAP! Spring Break was, by far, the best time I've ever had down here. It was amazing. After a long, long bus ride in an uncomfortable, hot bus, we got to our hotel at 1:30am. Our rooms were in this little cabana right near the beach. The rooms were pretty sweet (Raul and I shared a 2 bed room, the girls shared a 3 bed room). Basically, this is how the entire trip went... Breakfast whenever we rolled out of bed, hang out on the beach till lunch, lunch, naptime, chill out on/by/near the beach (sometimes in hammocks), dinner, chill out till we rolled back into bed. So stinkin awesome! It was so relaxing, so chill, such a great time, I deffinetly needed this. Not only that, but some exciting stuff happened w/ Daniela and I too. Kinda sounds dumb saying this, but it's like I fell in love with her all over again. We talked about everything pretty much the whole weekend. More to come later...

The End Is Near

I've got a good feeling about this. I think I'm starting to pull thru this dry season. Today, I got a copy of Searching For God Knows What from Bax, and I'm already about half way thru it. I think I can feel God telling me things thru it. For instance, Miller says that we are begins who are wired to have someone or something tell us what who we are (hence, our seeking attention, praise, etc...). Now, back in the Garden of Eden, we got that identity from God, who walked with Adam and Eve. So they got their identity in God, God told them who they were, what they were. But, since the Fall, we've been getting out identity from other, not so admirable, sources. And I can feel that since I've been so distant from God lately, I've been finding my identity in something else (what that is, I'm not sure...yet) and I haven't been recieving input from God, I've been blocking Him out, ignoring Him (something which I am, unfortunetly, pretty good at). That's why I've been so..."depressed", "dry", "empty", or whatever you wanna call it, because I've been trying to fill a God shaped hole with, who knows what (I really don't know what I was putting there, probably nothing, which can be just as bad as a bad something). Also, I had a talk with Bax today and kinda told him what's been goin on, and he wants to start meeting every week (again), and I have a good feeling about it. He's probably my favorite teacher here, and he's super smart and know's what he's talking about, so that should be good. Now, I've just gotta get the motivationt to do some school work! ;)
This morning in worship I realized somethintg... My "dryness" has been entierly my fault. It's completely self-induced. I feel bad and I stoped seeking God. I stoped praying, stopped reading the Bible, stopped paying attention in class, and just started ignoring Him (whic I am pretty good at, unfortunetly). So, I'm half way thru Searching For God Knows What already and it's helping immensly