someone explain to me...

this is rather random, but i've kinda been mulling over this for a while...

i've never heard a solid explanation for all the persecution of communists (and the social stigma that's been attached to communism since) during the cold war. in all honesty, i sit there (on the bus, in the car, staring blankly at the computer at work) thinking, "what was that all about?". it seems to me like a group of people and a group of countries held a political/governmental ideal for themselves, and they were crushed for it. i understand that communism, at least the examples the world has seen, hasn't worked out all that great, and it is prone to corruption, but isn't democracy just as corrupt? instead of bribes, we call it lobbying. same thing.

So why have communists been persecuted, subjected to wars (not "liberations" mind you), ridiculed, become the but of so many jokes, and demonized? think about this. Jesus was a communist. the disciples were communists. they all lived in a community where they had nothing of their own and shared everything with everyone around them. i understand that cold war communism isn't exactly that, but it's the main ideal isn't it?

i guess it's just a random tangent that i've had in my head for a while. i want to know what you think. leave a comment

somewhat, but not entirely, like a blob

lately, i've been feeling really, really unproductive... it pretty much sucks. i have no classes i like, i got booted out of the one that would have saved my semester (a film class i was on the waitlist for, but didn't get in), and my job is boring (but bearable because of the pay and the long periods of time i'm usually able to be online), and i don't feel like i'm going anywhere.

i need to move on to the next phase of my life. I don't really know what that's going to look like; moving out, getting a job in my career field, something big like that. I do feel like i'm on the verge of something big like that though. I have been looking at apartments with a buddy of mine who wants/needs to move out of his parents house too. i just kinda feel like i'm stuck and i need to grow up some. i get little hints of things to come every once in a while, and i really like it.

let me just give you an example of the extent of my un-productive situation. i've started to compile an excell spreadsheet of all the movies i've ever seen. complete with titles, directors, writers, and release dates. that's right. so instead of listening to my philosophy, weather, or math lectures, i'm perusing IMDB looking for movies i've seen and copying the data in to excell. So far, i'm at around 250... and i've only just scratched the surface...

so, to sum up, i'm bored at life

the human virus

There is a quote from The Matrix that goes:
"Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet."

Up until very recently, I've always kind of winced at this idea, and dismissed it as stupid. But lately, slowly but surely, I've come to see the viral nature of the human race.

I drive to school, well, sort of. I drive to a bus stop halfway between home and school. The route I take goes through pretty much empty land/open space. I drive past the old Rocky Flats site, which has been completely torn down, leaving only a mis-matched coloring in the grass where the asphalt used to be.

South Highway 76 on Indiana (east of Indiana, 76 is actually 86th which turns in to 88th), suburbia abounds. Homes with no yards, strip malls, asphalt and car exhaust fill this areas, south of 76. Once I passed Highway 76, there were open fields, sparsely spotted by a hand full of homes, each singly built, with a solitary, secluded feel to them. The entire drive after that point was a rolling sea of grassy hills with an awe inspiring view of the foothills of the Rocky Mountains.

Yet, now, when I pass Highway 76 on Indiana, there is a battalion of enormous trucks spewing clouds of black exhaust. These trucks crawl across these hills like a plague, chewing up the earth, flattening hills, and making it all "convenient" for the prospective new home buyer.

It disgusts me. I can truly see the viral nature of humans and our consumerism in these trucks massacring open, and beautifully empty, space.

We are the plague. What is the cure? How much will the cure cost us? Will we have to throw off our consumer mindset and begin to actually take notice of our surroundings? Heaven Forbid!

Same Ol' Story

Once again, I find myself devoid of anything to write on my blog... And yet again, it's been since April since my last post. But whatever, it's my blog (and I'm not paying $60 a year for it! haha)

Life is... life. Whatelse is there. It keeps on going, no matter what you want. It keeps on flowing and changing, without regard for your wishes.

My life has been pretty boring, in my own eyes. I guess it probably isn't as boring as I think it is. I went to Ecuador for 3 weeks in June, I've been painting the outside of my house for 2 and a half weeks, I'm without a job, and I'm leaving for a family reunion, and I'm starting school soonish.

Life is going. Not pretty good, not pretty bad, not great, not terrible, not good, not bad, it's just going.

Welcome

So, you've found my new blog. Good job, here's a cookie.

In the process of moving my old posts to Blogger, I realized that I used to blog a lot more than I have in the recent past. That kind makes me sad. I just think that I've been very non-analytical lately. My brain just goes blank, and I don't think very much... It pretty much sucks.

That's pretty much all I got...

There comes a time in every man's life...

...to not use cliches.

But for real, this is a time of change in my life. I have so much I want (and need) to change about who I am and how I live my life. I'm sick and tired of some of the things I do and some of the ways I am. I've finally seen these things for what they are and i've recognized them, which is my first step in changing them.

I know that's pretty vague and uninformative, but that's all you get for now.

When Darkness Turns To Light, It Ends Tonight

The title doesn't really have any bearing on anything, the song has just been stuck in my head all morning. Don't read in to it. ;)

I know it's been a long time since I've updated my blog, but I've been pretty busy and, in my own opinion, pretty boring. I'm starting to feel over -whelmed -worked -schooled, overly busy, overly tired, overly everything. The way my schedule is this semester, I go straight from school to work 3 or 4 days a week. It doesn't sound like a lot, but combined with homework, stuff with High Point (High Impact on Sundays, Small Group on Thursday, High Point on Wednesday), and trying to have a life, it's a lot. And on the occasion I do have a Thursday off of work, I never feel like I get any rest.

I got approval to get a sleep study to find out if I can get a CPAP machine to sleep with so when I sleep, I am actually sleeping instead of waking up gasping because I don't breathe in the night. I am hoping that will help curb this insane amount of exhaustion I have been living with. I don't know how I've done it, but running on empty for so long has got me ready to give up. I just wish I had a week to sleep, be lazy all day, and just rest.

My birthday is tomorrow, which is pretty cool. I won't be a teenager any more. Although, I haven't felt like one for a while. It may have been because of my schedule as of late, or because I left home post-high school, but I feel mature and independent, even if I'm not completely. Talking with a friend the other day, I expressed some of this, adding, "I know when to be mature, but that doesn't mean I don't act immature when I want to." I also told someone at work the other day, "I was more mature than [that high school girl] when I was her age, and I'm a guy!" I think I'm starting to lose patience with ... most things and people. Why do I have to go thru so much more school? Why do I have to work at Panera and not do what I want? Why do I have so much stuff I "have" to do? Why does the world revolve around money? Why are apartments so expensive?

I think it's coming time for me to move out. I don't know why, I don't have any real problems at home. We have little arguments but nothing very serious. I just think it's time for me to be independent. At CBC I felt more independent, even though we had cooks, deans (babysitters), and a laundry list of rules and curfews. I just think it's time to move on. But, earning what I'm earning at Panera, and working as much as I am (which leaves little room for more shifts), I don't see how it is possible to pay for a rent of ... any amount. As it is, I make barely enough to pay my car insurance and my cell phone bill.

I'm just getting restless I guess. Waiting for the next big thing. I hate waiting. Except the movie Waiting, that's awesome

RAA (Retreat Addicts Anonymous)

Well, since coming back from Powderburn this past weekend, and I actually realized this some time during, I noticed that spiritually, I am a "Retreat Addict." Meaning I am addicted to, and I could almost say dependent (spiritually) upon church retreats. Allow me to explain:

Pre-CBC (a.k.a. High School/High Point era) - I felt pretty content with my relationship with God during this time. I attended 99.9% of all HPSM activities (just ask Ev... she told me she had a nightmare about me not being at high point one time). I could very much see myself on the roller coaster of (Post) Retreat highs and mundane life lows. I was up and down a lot, but over all, I saw and felt an increase in my spirituality and my relationship with God.

CBC - I was under the foolish assumption that going to CBC would strengthen my relationship with God, hands down, no questions asked. I am still unsure why, but my spirituality, and my feeling connected to God almost completely vanished during CBC. Which seems totally counterintuitive, but it's the truth. I sometimes think it was the group of people in my CBC class, I sometimes think it was the faculty, and I sometimes think it was the classes, but I can never pinpoint one aspect of CBC that began to pull me away.

Post-CBC (up until Powderburn) - This was probably the darkest era in my spirituality thus far. I was so far from God, and even though I didn't like being as such, I did very little to reconcile the situation. I was super lazy and didn't invest any time into my relationship with God.

(Post) PB07 - I'm back on the up and up. I most definitely felt God at Powderburn. I clearly heard Him telling me, "I'm here. I've always been here. I never left you. I'm real. I'm here." Which rocked my world. Since PB, I've been making time in my oh so busy schedule (sarcasm...) to read my Bible and pray, and I am feeling good about the progress I am making in repairing my relationship with God.

Hello my name is Gary. I'm an addict....