Beauty In Brutality

There is something beautiful in complete, utter, and brutal honesty. There is a freedom in embarrassment, a liberation in vulnerability. Words cannot do justice the feelings that come after a person shares something that they have never revealed to anyone before, especially if the other person responds, in kind, by doing the same.

I recently shared something like that with Daniela. She responded by doing the same. We both told each other something that neither of us had told another living soul. It just so happens that we shared, very nearly, the same thing. Once we had both told each other everything, I felt a sense of freedom. I was free from this secret, it's power to trip me up, and I had someone I could talk about it with.

I'm gonna cut it short here by saying:

Honesty, in it's truest, most complete form, is more freeing than it is embarassing.

Nothing...

Nothing to report. Kinda boring, but I'll live. Just have the yearbook and school work to work on...which, in all honesty, is the usual.

So, in conclusion, I' bored, send me mail...

Gary Kainz
Covenant Bible College Ecuador
Casilla 17-11-6664
Quito, Ecuador

"Community" - Note the quotes

I know that everyone knows what I'm talking about when I say I'm having a "rain cloud" moment.

Oxford American Dictionaries - cloud - figurative - a state or cause of gloom, suspicion, trouble, or worry

I seriously think that I've obtained this rain cloud from being here at CBC. There are so many things that put me down, into a funk. There are so many things that make me angry, or hurt, or sick(ened). Much of it has to do with the people: students and staff. A lot of it has to do with how people interact with me (or, more accurately, don't interact with me).

When I think about this CBC "community", all I can think of is a clique filled high school. There are so many groups and cliques within out very small community (of 30 people). I can't fathom how a clique can from with only 30 people to draw from, but this "community" has accomplished that in at least 3 ways.

I feel like most of the "friends", however few, have all either drifted away, or straight up left me out in the cold. They don't even say "Hi" anymore, they all act like I'm invisible. It's so enraging, but more than that, it just puts my head into a rain cloud. I get so hurt that it's not even like real hurt, but more like I just get ... sad isn't the right word, but it's the best one I've got.

I really feel like Daniela is the only thing keeping me here right now. Classes aren't bad, Ecuador is awesome, but the "community" is so off-putting that if Daniela wasn't here, I would be going home right now. I would be calling my parents and telling them to buy me a ticket right now.

Unappreciated, or “It’s not over yet”

Of course, we start with the back-story:

For Kids College, I was the photographer/videographer for the weekend. I took in surplus of 600 pictures, and made a video for Sunday (the 3rd day of Kids College) during the weekend. I was busy doing all this stuff every second I had. I was either taking pictures or editing the video the entire time I was conscious.

Back, back-story:

Making a video takes a ton of time and work. A general rule of thumb is 1 hour of work per minute of video. This video took longer because it was made up of pictures that I had to get off the camera, in to iPhoto, resized with another program (because they were 8 megapixels, which is too large for my little G3 to handle), back into iPhoto, and finally in to iMovie, where each photo had to render for about a minute.

The real story:

Today I was informed I had to make a video that we were going to send to churches that donated money for Kids College. I was told this by a girl in leadership. When she said, "We need a video to send to churches." I saId, "I'll just use the one I made for the Sunday worship." And (these were her exact words, said with a mean, nasty tone) she said, "That's not good enough."

I was dumbstruck. I didn't know what to say, so I walked away. But the whole thing just got me thinking and I realized how overlooked and unappreciated my gifts are. It even made me question why I have the gifts God gave me, why He gave them to me, and why I even use those gifts. I truly believe that they are gifts given to me by God. God gave me talent (I'm not tooting my own horn here, but God's) with technical stuff like video, editing, photography, and that kind of thing. Creative Communication, I believe it's call on a spiritual gifts test.

Now, I'm not asking to be praised for my work. I don't even really want thanks. I did the video because I like doing it. I did the video because I love doing videography. I honestly would rather people not notice that I did it, but that it got done, and that it was done for God. I'm not looking for recognition of myself, or my talents, I guess what I'm looking for is recognition that it's not easy, it's not a "slacker" job, that videography takes time and effort. I guess what I really want is for people to realize that it is a gift from God, and that people stop taking it for granted or for taking it for less that it's worth.

I guess it just really sucks when your work goes unappreciated

Praise God, It's Over...

Well, Kids College is over, we're not being babysat anymore. I'm trying every moment I can to rest and recuperate, but I think it's gonna take a bit of time... I'm so exhausted, and I just want to sleep. But, they canceled classes for us today, which was nice. So we all slept in and lounged around a bit. Daniela and I were going to go to the waterpark we went to for our 2nd retreat, but it was closed. So we wandered around town a bit.

So, the whole weekend, I was taking pictures, and that was fun. I put together a video/slideshow for yesterday (Sunday) and that was pretty stressful.

But, last night we had a ceremonious "Death Of Kids College" bonfire, in which we threw everything left over. That was fun.

Praise God, it's over...

Babysat?

Ok, I haven't liked any of this Kids College deal since the beginning, but now I'm hating the idea, the prep., and the people high up in leading it.

*Back story*
Kids College is this VBS type weekend we put on for kids from Alliance Academy (missionary kid school). We start everything from scratch, and we are putting in on this weekend
*The end*

So, we found out today, after our first walkthru, that we have a 'closed campus' (aka, we can't leave) until Kids College is over.

IT'S RIDICULOUS!

They've said all along, "We don't want to be your babysitters" and "We're not going to treat you like kids", and then they do this garbage. It's enraging!

I want out of here...a.s.a.p.

Repeat

Ok, so I know I already said this, but I feel like I'm being baby-sat.

Seriously, I want to kill every single (Ok, maybe I'll keep one or two) person here!

Human Nature...

We had an opportunity today, at an Ash Wednesday service, to have a confession of sorts. We were to write down things we needed or wanted to confess, on a piece of paper, and then put it in a vase of oil. The oil represented God's Grace, as our sins slowly were engulfed and sank into the oil. It was a very neat idea, and I liked it very much.

But, one thing I noticed is that nearly everyone folded their piece of paper with their confessions in half. I did so myself, so I'm not judging any one, but I thought it was interesting. It's almost as if, even when confessing, we don't want anyone to know what we're confessing. Even if we were confessing something that we did against someone else, we hide it. It seems like when we're confessing, we don't really want to confess...

Cavil At Rest

Go listen to these guys, they're awesome!

http://www.myspace.com/cavilatrest

I wish I could take credit, but I can't, thanks Genny!