Knowing God is a two way street.

Well, first I'll refer you to my previous post (I went to Tennessee and all I got was FOUND) before you read this one (just incase you don't follow chronologically).

Now, on to the real stuff...

So, since being FOUND at CHIC, things have most definitely gone from "mountain/retreat high" to "mundane low". That night at CHIC when I was crying out desperately to God, I remember saying "I'm done with doing nothing. I just want to feel you again and I'll do anything to be able to." Well, surprise, surprise, my lazy ass hasn't done a thing since CHIC. And, wouldn't you know it, my re-lit fire, and my patching up with God has all but died and failed. And I know exactly why. It's because I haven't done a single thing I told Him I would do. I haven't searched for Him, I haven't reached out to Him, I haven't prayed, read, dug deeper, or even really wanted to. Now our relationship is suffering as a result.

Which brings up an interesting point. Our relationship with God is just that. A relationship. Think about the first one that comes to mind. A spouse, fiance, boyfriend/girlfriend, best friend, sibling. Any of those work. Imagine this: your best friend (just for the sake of example) and you are closer than siblings. You are together all the time, you know everything about each other, you are essentially the same person, you are around each other so much. But then things start to change. You befriend another person, and begin to, not so much pull away, but become more and more busy your new friend. You call your best friend less, you hang out less, and eventually, you hardly even know each other. That relationship has become less a relationship and more an acquaintance. You look back years later and think, "Damn, remember when we were friends?". Then you realize it. You stopped making an effort. You stopped caring as much and, eventually, at all. Your ex-best friend stopped making an effort when they saw that you were no longer in the relationship.

All that to say, that's how God and I are. I stopped calling. And I know He never stopped putting effort into our relationship, but I stopped seeing that effort, feeling that effort. Now I'm the one looking back going, "Damn, remember when God and I were friends?"

So, where do I go from here? Unfortunately I know exactly where I go from here. (I say unfortunately because I should have done it a long time ago.) I start putting effort back in to it. I know what I've got to do, and now I've just got to get off my lazy ass and do it... which, in the end, is all anyone has to do.

GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT

I went to tennessee and all I got was FOUND

well, if you know me or if you read this, you know i've been in a huge spiritual funk for a long time. i've been in this funk since before i left for cbc. it made my year at cbc really hard and pretty crappy and i became pretty mad because i was in it, and mad at god for leaving me in it. i felt like he was ignoring me, and that i was doing everything i could to get out of it. it was a terrible place where i couldn't feel god or hear him or anything.

i went to CHIC hoping that something would happen. that anything would happen and that god would reach out and touch me. that is exactly what he did.

wednesday night was just an amazing time of worship at the 'main stage' we had every night. the worship was wonderful and the speaker was great. she said something that will come in to play in this story. she was talking about the last supper and how John laid his head on Jesus' chest. She said that she imagined them having fun and messing around, and said "i can just imagine Jesus tousling John's hair" (b/c John was the youngest, etc...). I can't even pinpoint what it was exactly, (the worship, the surroundings, the communion, or something else), but i just felt like i had to scream out to god in one last ditch cry. so i am sitting down, praying, crying out to him, asking him why i was alone and why he had left me, and why he was so far from me. it was right then that you friend Joe (who was standing and singing) tousled my hair. It was that moment that I had felt god for the first time in at least 9 months (probably more). It sent a shudder through my body and i just felt god. he spoke to me (i'm still trying to decipher what he really said to me) and i was left in awe.

so, in rachel cavanaugh fashion... "guess what?"

"God's real!"

And that's how I was found by God in an arena in Tennessee.

As for the rest of CHIC, I had a blast. The team I worked with was awesome, hilarious, fun, and generally good to work with. If you wanna know more, lemme know

On Being (And/Or Going) Insane

So, good news, i'm going insane. Like for real insane. ("good news" was sarcastic).

I don't know what's goin on in me, around me, above me...

The other night (in what was the peak of my insanity, or, well, the tipping point) I got myself out of bed, drove to lookout mountain at 1am, smoked a cigar, then drove all over arvada (my old houses, my elementary, junior, and high schools), and ended up back home. And the whole time I was hoping to be able to think and figure some stuff out, but, to no avail. I just drove around in the middle of the night for no reason.

Maybe it's insanity, maybe it's insomnia, but either way, my life is screwed up, and I don't know how to fix it...

the theme song for my life

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape......escape......escape......

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
You don't like my point of view
You think I'm insane
Its not sane......it's not sane.

I just want someone to say to me oh, oh, oh, oh
I'll always be there when you wake yea, yea
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

(I'll have it made, I'll have it made
You know we're really gonna
Really gonna have it made
Gonna have it made)

---

honestly, this song is exactly how i'm feeling right now... blah.

I'm just so out of it (it as in everything) lately. I think it's been that way since I've been home, but now it's more prevalent. I don't understand why I (want to) sleep all day, and all I can say is that my life is pretty plain. I finally got a job at Conoco (a gas station). And I thought it was all good, but I was sitting in the back room the other day, putting hotdog buns into bags to put out on the grill and I thought, "what the hell am I doing!?!?!? I'm working at a gas station! I honestly never thought I would be working at a gas station. There's nothing wrong with it for some people, but I just feel like I've been downgraded (job-wise). I hate it, to be honest. But, I needed a job and an income, and this is it for now. I guess I'll keep an eye out for something that would be more fun, fulfilling, or even worth while.

I just don't get anything right now. I don't feel like doing anything, I have no passion for anything (even this video game that I was obsessed w/ is just like "meh" now. Lame example, I know, but suck it). I just feel like I'm slowly but surely dying. I kinda feel like getting smashed, high, or something to like, wake up... (don't worry, I won't)

What the hell is going on with me and in me and around me and above me and through out my sick sad little world?